The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz affa pleased tae see visions o’ a futuristic “play factory” at the beach fit came oot last wik. As somedee fa has tracchled doon tae the tired, post-apocalyptic play park next tae the Beach Ballroom mony a time, I heartily endorse onything they may pit in there tae keep my kids distracted files I slope aff for a vanilla slider at the Inversnecky. Nae ab’dy his the cash tae stick ‘em in Innoflate, ye ken.
The current play park’s been there ages and is fair due a spruce up. I mind fan I wiz wee, fan it wis twice the size and built entirely oot o’ the 1970s’ maist kid-friendly material, concrete.
Taking a heeder aff a fast-moving roundabout and scraping maist o’ the skin aff yer coupon wis par for the course. And there wisnae a week went by fan some kid didnae fa aff the pirate ship and split their heid open. Happy days, eh?
But onywye, bring on the revamp. OK, so it’s gan tae cost £50 million, and I hiv heard some folk wondering far the cash’ll come fae fan the cooncil couldnae afford tae keep the Beach Leisure Centre open. But be real, £50 million sounds like a lot o’ money, but these days I’m nae sure it wid pey the Leisure Centre’s heating bill for the winter. In fact, I’m nae sure it wid pey my heating bill for the winter!
The new playground is gan tae mak the beachfront mair “vibrant and engaging”, wi’ futuristic elements and “eye-catching UFO-like slides and swings”, as well as a “bespoke” play structure cried the Rope Factory. Fit sounds like it’ll combine the challenge o’ dangling in mid air wi’ a’ the fun o’ a Victorian workhoose.
Like a lot o’ architectural artist’s impressions ye see these days, the design for it looks mental. There’s a big twisty-twosty structure fit looks like a cross atween a helter-skelter and an air traffic control tower, and a lang widden tunnel thing wi’ loads o’ chutes coming oot o’ it. They say it’s meant tae look like a spaceship but it looks mair like an armadillo wi’ it’s heid taen aff tae me. Still, that’ll appeal tae my youngest, Jayden, gaan by the amount o’ roadkill he keeps dragging intae the hoose.
But the hale thing is still in the planning stages, and the cooncil is looking for opinions fae locals, so fit I’ll be lobbying for is tae mak sure that the only wye in is a fireman’s pole, and the only wye oot his a bolt on it, so’s they canna get oot. Busy mums lik me wint their kids tae be haein fun in an environment fit is exciting and stimulating, but, above all, safe. I wint tae be sure that fan my wee treasures is in the Play Factory it will be totally safe for me tae ging tae the Fittie Bar for a cheeky Blue WKD.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit with a two-day hangover
“On our way, every night and day, singing our European song!” I apologise, but after one of the Dandies’ best comebacks in decades in the magical city of Gothenburg, Old Kenny is on Cloud Ninety-Nine – which is a bit like Cloud Nine, but with a flake in it.
On Thursday, me, Basher Greg and Dunter Duncan was lucky enough to score a lads’ trip to the land of AFC’s greatest ever achievement. We was there to watch the Reds stick Swedish champions Hacken, but we managed to squeeze in a neuralgic trip to the Ullevi stadium as well. And maybe a couple of beers, too!
The game was magic. It was end-to-end-to-end stuff early doors, with both sides having chances before the Neeps (for my intentional readers, that’s what we here in the north-east of Scotland call a Swede) took the lead. Things looked grim when VAR gave them a dodgy penalty to make it 2-0. But then Bazza’s Boys rolled their socks up their sleeves and really got the bit stuck in their teeth.
Big Bojan pulled a goal back, which prompted carnage on the terraces – and then, before we’d even finished bouncing, he set up the Nickster for the equaliser! Scenes. Absolute scenes. Basher Greig lost his specs, Dunter got a snog with a lassie in the row in front and I raxxed my back trying to lift up the hefty shirtless lad next to us for a bosie.
We nearly got a third, but VAR bust our thunder and stole our bubble by saying we was offside. Still, the Red Army went off into the Gothenburg night happy as Barry! Which was pretty happy judging by the grin on Robbo’s face.
When I got back, the lovely Melody says, she says, she’d spotted us in the crowd celebrating the second goal when she was watching the game on Red TV. Regretfully, she was watching it with Mrs Dunter. So, short story long, looks like I’ve got a ticket going spare for the home leg!