The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru
I da ken aboot youse, but I da think removing the benches fae in front o’ the St Nicholas Cintre is gan tae dae onything about the issue. If ye dinna ken, ‘at area o’ the toon is getting a real bad press of noo cos o’ a’ the street drinkers hinging aboot.
Ye’ll hiv seen them; they’re a bittie like the street preachers that ye get there an a’. The difference is that files they dinna shout at ye in proper sentences, somehow they manage tae mak mair sense.
Fit a sotter it a’ is. Fitiver happened tae the good auld days fan St Nicholas Square wiz a delightful part o’ the toon wi lovely architectural features like the portable wikend freestanding urinal?
They’re saying that these antisocial gatherings is putting people aff visiting the shops and hindering trade. Fit must be at least the fourth different excuse I’ve seen in the paper for fit wye they’re aboot tae shut doon ‘at branch o’ Markies.
Of course, it’s totally unasseptable tae be swigging booze and shouting in the street, or hassling fowk trying tae use the bunk machines, but these days it’s common enough for pubs and restaurants tae hae ootside seating far fowk can enjoying a drink in the open air. Naeb’dy bats an eyelid at that, but sit on a slab o’ granite ootside Virgin Money wi’ a can o’ Tennent’s Super and suddenly you’re a problem.
If only there wis some kind o ‘ middle grun. Oh, aye, there is – Archibald Simpsons.
Look, I ken it’s a problem, but I canna help also feeling a bit sorry for the folk. I’m sure at’s nae the kind o’ life they imagined or wint for theirselves.
Naeb’dy wints tae see or hear drunk folk and antisocial behaviour in the toon cintre, but people living wi’ addiction is a sad fact o’ oor society. Like wealth inequality, or useless politicians. It’s just that ye dinna hae tae walk past them on yer wye tae buying punts.
Fit they need tae dae is draw on the expertise o’ local fowk wi’ years o’ experience in dealing wi’ groups o’ potentially antisocial individuals, and get the team fae Smugglers Cove or Dizzy Rascals tae install a soft play area outside Markies, far a’ the street drinkers can dae their thing in a safe, secure area, far they winna get in shoppers’ faces. Because, as I ken fae bitter personal experience at Big Sonya’s impromptu hen shine at the Den and the Glen, it is impossible tae get oot o’ a ball pit fan yer bleezing.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who hates VAR with a passion fruit
Pittodrie seen a packed horse on Thursday night, but once again us Dons fans had to experience the full speculum of emotions as the Dandies snatched defeat from the jowels of victory against Greek outfit PAOK.
I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I’d never really considered Greece as a sporting powerhose. I always thought they was famous for philatelists, like Pluto and Sucralose, yoghurts that didn’t taste of nothing, and, of course, the famous musical.
The first half seen the Dons looking like me at 4am on a stag do in Cumbernauld – totally lost
I says as much to the lovely Melody and she just looks at me and says: “Kenny, what about the Olympic Games?” Which just shows to go how much she knows, ‘cause I is positive they was held in Japan.
But, whatever their pedicure, when PAOK turned Hearts inside out earlier in the season, I knew the Reds was up against it when they come to town.
Sure enough, the first half seen the Dons looking like me at 4am on a stag do in Cumbernauld – totally lost. The Greasers was gubbing us in all areas of the pitch. To be honest, when the half-time whistle got blowed, it had been so one-sided, I think the Reds was lucky to have scored nil.
But, then, the start of the second half took me back to the glory nights of yesteryear. Big Bojan put us 1-0 up, and then the Red Army went mental when the net bulged a second time thanks to Dante’s inferno of a goal. I was that excited, I lost the last two bites of my half-time pie. Into the hood of the wifie in front.
The wheels started to come off as the boys from Thessaloniki got back to 2-1, then 2-2. And, then, with the last kick of the game and a dodgy VAR penalty, they broke Dons’ hearts with a winner.
There was defensive bloomers, with Jensen slipping and Jonny Hayes losing his man. In his pomp, Hayes would have caught the lad, but these days he’s more likely to show an impressive burst of speed on the AWPR.
VAR was supposed the be the best thing since sliced cheese, but if you is asking me, it is ruining football. MacKenzie was clearly halfed when we was still 2-1 up, but the whistlers never even looked at it. After Thursday night, I’m now more convinced than ever that VAR can PAOK its bags.
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