Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner. Facebook Messenger An icon of the facebook messenger app logo. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Facebook Messenger An icon of the Twitter app logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. WhatsApp Messenger An icon of the Whatsapp messenger app logo. Email An icon of an mail envelope. Copy link A decentered black square over a white square.

Moreen Simpson: I’m publicly denouncing nightmare public lavvies

There's nothing worse than a substandard public toilet
There's nothing worse than a substandard public toilet

A new poll has shed light on our lavatorial proclivities.

According to YouGov, fewer than one in 20 wifies support the replacement of men’s and women’s loos with gender-neutral ones, not that I’ve heard of any plans for tandem tiddling in the Neest.

Can’t say I’m surprised to discover just 4% of females would be happy if restaurants, hotels, bars, theatres and concert stadiums scrapped their Ladies and Gents in favour of A’bodys. Most men are also agin unisex urinals, although the majority of folk agree creating ambi-sextrous units alongside the segregated ones should keep everyone happy.

I’d rather find a discreet bush than face some dire village concrete huttie that hums to high heaven

Mind you, combined loos would probably solve the long-running problem of answering the call of nature in places that are hoochin’. How many times I’ve found masellie in a show venue minutes before curtain-up or during a short interval, scuttlin’ to the cludgies to discover an oot-the-door queue.

By comparison, the Gents never get stowed oot – loons in and ootski in a coupla minutes. But no way, Jimmy, would I trade the convenience of no queues for my myriad imagined horrors of sharing bogs with unknown gadgies. Lines of guyos facing porcelain… gads!

I take pains to go before I go

Tell the truth, I’ve this ongoing phobia about public lavvies full stop. Canna stick ‘em. When I’m off out, I take pains to go minutes before I go, so I won’t have to go, before I go home. Yes, that often leaves me blastin’ in through the front door, literally burstin’ for the privacy of my ain privy.

If I’m oot-and-aboot the area for the whole day, I’d rather drive into the country and tootle aroon until I spy a discreet bush than face some dire village concrete huttie that hums to high heaven. I’m cowkin’ at the very thought.

“Going” publicly en route is a nightmare. In those airplane cubbie-holes I aye expect to be sooked into space doon that fearsomely whooshing hole. And I’m presuming mile high clubbers have to be affa skinny to qualify.

Train toilet trauma

As for the toilet trauma of trains… oot went the affa, sniffy varieties and bienvenue those French-style, automatic thingamajigs where you push buttons to activate. Came that fateful day I’d an urgent call en route from Glasgow to Aberdeen. To the automatic job-wheecher. Pressed button, door zoomed open and there, thankfully with his back to me, was a piddler. Ye Gods, I whirled round just as he keeked ower his shocked shooder.

RMT
Public toilets on trains present plenty of potential for awkwardness

“Sooo sorry,” I scraiked. “Me too!” Sez he.

The door zapped shut again. Seconds later, open sesame. Oot tottered my unfortunate stranger. Except, he was no stranger. Until a pucklie years before, we’d worked together on the EE for about two decades. A dear old pal.

We spent the rest of the journey reminiscing – and laughing. So thanks to a unisex lav for bringing us together again.


Read more by Moreen Simpson: