The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
View From The Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been a technomalogical wik in the village. Tae cheer masel up fae a’ the doom and gloom, as inflation gings up and living standards ging doon, I hiv been taking delight in the fact that I am nae on the Twitters. ‘At’s gan clean tae skite since the company wiz bocht by Elon Musk.
Noo, I ken that sounds like an especially gadsy aftershave, but he is, in fact, the world’s richest fruitcake. And, jist like the very rich fruitcake my grunny used tae mak, soon leads tae a good shiel oot. In his case, o’ employees.
After vastly overpaying tae buy the company, Musk showed fit a wacky and fun boss he wiz by turning up carrying a sink though the company’s lobby, fit proved prescient, as the hale operation gings doon the plughole.
He’s sacked 80% o’ staff wi nae warning. I wiz shocked tae hear that the folk in charge o’ “trust and integrity” wiz let go. I had nae idea they hid ony o’ that in the first place. But, there’s nae point in complaining, as anither thing they dinna hae noo is a communications department.
Amongst those fa left wiz maist o’ those responsible for making sure that content gets checked afore it gings oot. It’s a’ aboot blue ticks, fit Twitter used tae verify that fowk wiz fa they said they wiz.
How do you make a small fortune in social media?
Start out with a large one.
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) November 18, 2022
Musk’s bright idea wis tae sell them for $8 tae onyb’dy fa winted een. And that’s how some wag wis able tae pretend tae be a multinational drug company, announce that, fae now on, insulin wis free, and wipe $15 billion aff their value. Ye hiv tae laugh.
For those that dinna ken, the Twitters is a social media platform fit is sometimes described as “the digital town square”, but it’s nithin like oor een here in the village.
Musk is claiming ‘activists’ hiv forced a massive loss of advertising, as opposed tae the advertisers pulling oot because he’s pratting aboot wi’ a sink and sacking ab’dy fit made it work properly
Fan we tell each ither fit we think, naeb’dy comes up tae us wi’ a recording of fan we said something different in 1996. Nae since Feel Moira broke skittery Willie’s wee tape deck, onywye.
Some say the Twitters is noo at risk o’ collapse, files Musk is claiming “activists” hiv forced a massive loss of advertising, as opposed tae the advertisers pulling oot because he’s pratting aboot wi’ a sink and sacking ab’dy fit made it work properly.
A new projection insulting Elon Musk is currently being displayed outside of Twitter’s HQ.
— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) November 18, 2022
Musk’s latest wheeze wis tae say that ab’dy his tae work extra lang oors, or else they’ll be sacked an’ a. Apparently, the Twitters needs tae be “extremely hardcore” tae succeed. Hivin seen fit noo gets posted since the moderation folk a’ left, I fair think that’s a’ready happened.
Some wid say that the Twitters is jist an echo chamber, and is only of interest tae the folk fa are in it. Unfortunately, that appears tae include ivery single journalist and politician in the world.
But, noo the hale thing has gone downhill faster than a coo in a tin bath on a day o’ sna, I’m hoping we’ll get on fine withoot it. Efter a’, newspapers and politicians wis making wir lives a misery ages afore the Twitters came on the go.
Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who felt betrothed by his club
If there is one thing Old Kenny values more than anything in football, it’s a good, old-fashioned, two-footed reducer on the opponent’s danger man, early doors. But a close second to that would be loyalty.
I hope every one of my teammates at all the clubs what I played for over my long and industrious career, from top flight down to the diddiest of diddy outfits, would know that when their backs is down, I’ve got the chips.
So, I can only imagine how the Old Trafford dressing room is feeling about Cristiano Ronaldinho after his bombsite interview with shiny top-lipped plug, Piers Morgan.
I haven’t not watched the interview myself on account of it being on TalkTV and we only gets normal telly. What’s weird is, from the highlights, it seems like his biggest gripe is about how much pudding the others players got.
It reminded me of the time not long after I’d joined the Dons when I inadvertently ate Doug Rougvie’s yum-yum. I was ashamed.
I still can’t get excited about the World Cup. In fact, I think I’ve already had enough World Cups this month
Anyway, Ronald has fairly stuck the boot in to the club, and, when he turns up to the first training session after the World Cup, I wouldn’t be surprised if they treat him like a social piranha.
I still can’t get excited about the World Cup. In fact, I think I’ve already had enough World Cups this month. There’s been the Rugby League World Cup, the women’s Rugby League World Cup, the women’s Rugby Union World Cup, and, of course, the T20 World Cup in the croquet.
I watched the final in that one – England come out on top and were worthy winners. Here’s hoping I’m not saying that in four weeks’ time!
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