“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”, as the song goes. But even Andy Williams must have witnessed the odd family feud around the Christmas dinner table.
In fact, an Aberdeen family counselling charity has reported a spike in calls just after Christmas each year.
Christmas should be joyful, merry and magical, or so the saccharine TV ads and jingly festive hits tell us.
But as is often the case, the reality is somewhat different.
‘Pressure cooker’ atmosphere gives rise to family feuds
Parents feel the pressure more than most during the festive season. After making sure Santa gets the kids what they want, there’s the day itself to survive.
A day which, for many of us, represents a ‘pressure cooker atmosphere’, according to Sandra Marshall, manager of Avenue in Aberdeen, a charity which provides counselling to families across the north-east.
So why do family feuds and tensions rear their ugly head during Christmas?
‘A really intense time with people you might have nothing in common with’
“There’s all sorts of reasons,” said Sandra. “Things that are rumbling along under the surface tend to come to the fore at Christmas. Things like where we spend our time as a family. Who do we go to on Christmas Day? Who do we have to go and see on Boxing Day?
“There’s the pressure to have a good time and be the perfect family, because there’s all these fantastic media images about what Christmas is supposed to be like, and how families are supposed to have a fantastic time together at Christmas.
“But actually, in reality what you’re doing is spending a really intense time with people that you might have absolutely nothing in common with, apart from the fact that you’re related, by marriage or whatever.
“Quite a lot of the arguments are around the division of labour. Who’s going to make the Christmas dinner? Who’s done all the Christmas shopping? And who’s going to do all the dishes and tidy up and change the sheets and get ready for all these visitors coming to descend on the house?
“It puts massive pressure on people. And obviously financial pressure as well, particularly at the moment with the cost of living crisis where families are under intense pressure anyway.
“And then you throw alcohol into the mix as well.
“So you’ve got this pressure cooker situation. Pressure for everybody to get on and have a wonderful time. And we all eat too much, don’t get enough sleep, drink too much, and imagine that we can somehow manage the situation.”
If you’re about to explode…
Professor Ewan Gillan, clinical director at First Psychology Scotland, spoke previously to the P&J about the ‘shadow side’ of Christmas, where unresolved issues rear up.
One way to avoid things bubbling over at Christmas is to realise that the festive season involves unrealistic expectations.
Good communication, and putting the ‘big day’ into perspective, will both help.
“The vast majority of family tension can be solved by good communication,” said Sandra. “But also by reminding yourself that it’s just one day. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
“All these images you see in the media just aren’t true. Every family has its arguments and difficult times.
“Take time beforehand to discuss with other members of the family who needs what on the day. Is your teenage child going to explode if they’re forced to spend all day sitting around a turkey?
“And when arguments do arise, take some time out. If you’re about to explode yourself, go out for a walk, lock yourself in the bedroom for half an hour, get some peace and quiet.”
‘It’s only one day’
Since the 2008 financial crisis, society has become increasingly disillusioned with the idea of chasing after material things.
Evidence of this comes from the growing popularity of Stoicism and increasing numbers of young people turning to faith.
And Sandra believes we need to reassess our attitude towards the festive season.
“I mean, it’s only one day, isn’t it? As a society we put so much pressure on it.
“We have this huge build-up which is fuelled by all the schools and the TV and so on. It’s starting in supermarkets in September.
“For children, the important thing is the memories they make, the fun times they have together as a family.
“It’s really not about who’s got the biggest present. It’s about time and memories. Just creating memories with your children is so much more important than spending money.
“There’s something about the way we parents buy into this idea that you have to have the special present. And that then puts pressure on other parents.
“We’ve got a responsibility as a society to knock that on the head and say ‘no, these aren’t my values, this isn’t how this family works’.”
Happy parents, happy kids
She added: “What I would say is, it’s not rocket science. A huge part of looking after your children is looking after yourself. I can’t emphasize that enough. I’m having a lot of those conversations with people.”
Happy parents, happy kids. Merry Christmas everybody.
Read more Real Life Parenting Dilemmas
