It’s been a renascent wik in the village – View From the Midden with MTV’s Jock Alexander
It’s been a renascent wik in the village. Aye, the first wee bluebells and daffies o’ spring are poking oot the grun, jist in time for next wik’s icy arctic blast. Magic. And this season o’ renewal, is an appropriate time o’ year tae be acknowledging the return o’ a revered figure, cruelly betrayed by his ain disciple, fa’s licht went out too soon, but fa wiz resurrected much tae the astonishment of a’ those fa gazed upon it. At’s richt, Alex Salmond’s back!
Some in the village hiv opined that Easter is a particularly appropriate time for his comeback, given they feel sure he fair likes an egg. And indeed fae some angles, looks like een.
Masel, I think he’s an inspiration for onyb’dy fa’s feeling punchy, washed up and past their prime. He’s the poster boy for folk fit hiv seen better days and are clinging on tae past glories like grim death. Just cos ab’dy says yer past it, ye dinna hae tae listen!
I mind fan village piggery magnate Skittery Wullie reached his 90th birthday. A lot o’ folk were saying he wis ower the hill, but did he heed them? No he did not! Maistly seeing as he couldnae hear them, efter he’d gone doddering awa aff ower a hill.
And so, a new political pairty has been formed. I niver kent that you could stairt een, jist lik ‘at. Though I am worried it may gie Feel Moira mair ideas, fit wid nae be ideal, seeing as we’ve nae lang managed tae wrestle the presidency o’ the W.I. awa fae her wi’ only minimal casualties.
It’s confusing, though, ha’eing a separate group fit has separated itself fae the separatists. They’re still a’ for separation, jist a separate rate o’ separation fae the ither, separate, separatists. But a’ power tae Alec for choosing the name ‘Alba’ for his new pairty – a word steeped in history for ab’dy fa, like me, bought a cheap stereo cassette player fae Argos in the late 1990s. And fit explains the sound quality of their inaugural broadcast.
Some folk hiv been asking, fit maks someb’dy wint tae ging back tae their aul job fan they’ve been daein’ something as exciting as presenting a TV show?
Weel, I mind the time I wiz scunnered tracchling aboot in dubby fields and tried tae reinvent masel as a scuba diver – but it didnae last. Foonert by baith the high cost o’ the equipment and the difficulty of getting my heed underwater at the Burn o’ Wartle, back I went – the lure o’ the sharn wiz too strong.
I dare say the same is true here wi’ big Alex. He’s nae a man fa’s cursed wi’ shyness, and he’s hid mair public exposure in the last wik than he’s hid in three years on Russia Today.
So, I wish him ivery success, and given that he noo his the backing o’ the likes o’ Kenny Mcaskill, 3% support in the polls and the endorsement o’ Nigel Farage, I’m sure he’ll get the result he deserves.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in hard early doors
I is usually a bit sad when domestos football takes a break for the international matches. It often seems a bit of a poor deal to swap a weekend of toff-plight action for another one-nil defeat for Scotland by the likes of Montezuma or San Pellegrino; but with all the recent managerial bombsites at Pittodrie, it’s been a welcome extraction.
Scotland done OK in their three games. A lot of folks was disappointed with the draw with Israel, but not Old Kenny – because I’d stuck 40 notes on 1-1! The Israel game was also interesting because they was allowed 5,000 fans in the stadium thanks to the fact that the D’Israelis is doing really well with their Codona’s Virus indoctrinations, and everyone who has had their two doses gets a vaccine passport.
Hopefully it won’t be too long until there’s fans back at Scottish grounds as well.
Football just isn’t the same without people singing songs, cheering on a goal or screaming obesities at the idiot ref.
Melody says all we need to be like Israel is to give two jabs to at least half the population, have a leader who’s impossible to get rid of even when they’re under investigation and be prepared to give up our civil liberties in exchange for being allowed to go for a pint.