In his film GI Blues, Elvis sang a ditty that often pops into my heidie.
“Didja ever have one of them days, when nothing goes right from morning till night?”
Yup, I had one last week and, man, was it a stoater, showing off my qualities as a gype par excellence.
Started well when the top I’d ordered weeks ago for a do at the weekend finally arrived. Great stuff, except … wrong colour – fyuchie green instead of bonnie blue.
Shshshave-a-bandy and fit a faff having to pack it up and negotiate the Evri machine in the corner shoppie.
Deadline day for my column and needed to be quick aboot it because I’d my quine and her brood coming for their tea.
Only eight, but my grandson is a bit of a gourmet; adores his food and had requested Nana’s roast beef and tatties.
Getting my Asda delivery between 1.30pm and 2.30pm, I’d have plenty time to start cooking when the column was sent and food arrived.
Bangs awa’ on the lap-top when suddenly – fit’s afoot? – my mouse disappeared. I can hear a’ the sniggers.
Why dontcha use the touchpad? Because I can’t. Tried for years, still defeats me. End of.
Phoned my loon for help. A brief touchpad debate. Then came the conclusion my mouse had died. Needed a new one. I on and ordered from Amazon for the next day.
Meanwhile, I did battle with the touchpad. Took three times longer than usual to write and, for some reason, sent only half of it to my baffled and understandably impatient boss. Spik aboot oot in a lather.
Awaiting Asda mannie, checked my e-mailed receipt. Oh, oh. I could feel the adrenalin pumpin’.
No sign of a beef joint winging its happy way to me. Then remembered I’d been switherin’ ower two. Chopped and changed but then, obviously, forgot to settle for one.
No roast for the wee yin’s tea. No car to jump into to get one. Fit tae dee? I should just have delved into the freezer and rustled up something else. But I could see his wee disappointed facie.
So I on to the Asda website, at the speed of light chose my joint and enough to make up to £50 (loadsa wine!) then an ‘express delivery’ slot for asap, at an embarrassing cost of £8.30! Did I feel like a chump?
Would ye credit it, Fast Asda mannie arrived just as my usual Bill was unloading me.
Don’t think he’d a clue fa the other gadgie was. And I was too embarrassed to say. But it wisna a’ bad. For some reason, the superb, huge joint I got (deffo not the smaller one I ordered) was labelled just over £20, but I was charged only £6.50.
Scyooze me? Did the Gods of Asda know I’d had a bad day? And wasn’t it worth it to see the smile on my wee Toot’s facie? As for the mutant moose, my new one was delivered the next day.
Sod it, still didn’t work. Sunday my loon came to investigate. Switched the laptop on and off and ….yeehaaa!
Sez he: “Muuum, didn’t you try that first?” Feel gype strikes again.
Scandalous overspend at NHS Grampian’s new hospitals must be investigated
Much of the blame for its record spending goes to the continuing dogs’ dinner that two flagship projects have become.
Originally estimated at £163million, the bill for the still unfinished Baird Family Hospital and Anchor Centre is now a staggering £261million.
When the twin schemes were first mooted in 2014, I was excited that the man who was a world-renowned pioneer of obstetrics and family planning, Sir Dugald Baird (who delivered me) and his councillor wife Matilda, were to be honoured in the naming of the city’s new maternity and women’s health hub.
However, the brave new ventures have sadly been besieged with problems.
First the initial estimates came in much higher than expected. Then Covid, and all its complications, hit at the beginning of 2020.
Since then, the main botheration factor has been issues with the water and ventilation systems, stalling construction and driving up costs.
Much as these facilities for women and cancer patients will be the new jewels in our NHS crown, at this point, they’re proving a disastrous drain on the finances of the existing health service.
We can only hope the technical problems are being solved and costs are finally stemmed. It is also essential that, eventually, there is a full examination of why there has been such a scandalous overspend.
Holly Willoughby’s bizarre performance had viewers baffled
How can I resist belly-rumbling about my two current favourite subjects?
Having said Holly Willoughby widnae show up on This Morning last Monday, I have to confess I was wrong.
But fit a bizarre show-up she was. Asking first if ‘you’ were OK? Just as if viewers had been branded by the light of her and Phil.
And her a dead-ringer for Jennifer Anniston’s Morning Show speech.
Meanwhile, I’m mesmerised by Harry, who hasn’t yet produced any evidence of his phones being hacked.
However, faced with Mirror Group ‘Beast’ KC Andrew Green, he’s a brave wee beaver to keep battling on.
Just nae sure how Meghan will cope with the revelations aboot Chelsy Davy being his one great love.
Moreen Simpson is a former assistant editor of the Evening Express and The Press & Journal, and started her journalism career in 1970
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