Your columnist today is on drugs. Let me explain how it happened.
“Open wider,” said the dentist.
“Oh gosh. You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
That annoyed me. I said I was scared enough without her saying something like that twice. She said: “I didn’t. That was the echo.”
I am just back home and the side of my mouth is numb. Watch this, I can bite my lip really hard and nothing happens. Where did that blood come from? Oo-er, I forgot. The dentist did say not to bite anything and to just sip cool drinks for a few hours. Oops.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes how I talk since I got that needle at the dentist.
They did that scraping and cleaning procedure which can make you climb the walls without assistance from drugs. Yet the first two needles didn’t work at all. Didn’t I read that Superman’s constitution means that painkillers didn’t work on him? Could I really be Superman?
The dentist wasn’t so sure. She said: “I will try a multiple injection and if that doesn’t work I shall have to knock you out with gas or a big metallic rock.”
I shrugged and said: “Ether, ore.”
The scientific jab, jab, jab worked. Trust the science.
The hoover is gathering dirt on us
The other day I read that people named Alexa, like that well known smart speaker, want to change their name because people keep asking them the weather. Kids called Alexa are being picked on in school. That’s bad. Cranky, technophobic teachers don’t understand the problem, allegedly.
Mrs X is Alexandra when I need to tell her off and “my darling” when she is telling me off. She also becomes my Alexa when I want to be really annoying. “Hey Alexandra, what is the weather going to be like tomorrow? Hey Alexandra, what do you think are the chances that no pizza will incinerate in this house this evening?”
She then replies in that familiar, completely unrobotic voice of hers telling me to get stuffed.
Where’s it going to end? Alexa will soon be reading and even writing of its own accord, they reckon. That’s a worry. Mrs X is concerned. She’s read that with the advent of artificial intelligence, kitchen appliances could start eavesdropping on us. She asked what I thought. I said that your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough. What about that hoover? It’s been gathering dirt on you for years.
Can technology cure stupidity?
A big issue is whether technology can cure stupidity. There must be a reason why wise heads such as Piers Corbyn are happy to shrug off the danger of acquiring the virus and, whether they get ill or not, they could be a carrier to infect other people. What are they afraid of? Ah, I’ve got it. They are scared of the jab. Aw. Listen, it’s not that bad. No one should worry about a wee prick. Laurence Fox is another one – with weird ideas, I mean.
Dominic Cummings is going to keep on biffing Boris but will do it in a blog that even journalists will have to pay to read
Which reminds me, will someone tell Dominic Cummings to move on and quit telling us how awful the stewardship of this country is? Yet I fear that more is in store from him. Cummings, being now jobless, has come up with weird ways to make a few bob and stay in the news. He is going to keep on biffing Boris but will do it in a blog that even journalists will have to pay to read.
He has warned that journalists posting large chunks of his copyrighted stuff will get an invoice to their boss. Oh heck, have I just used a chunk of Dom’s copyrighted stuff? I know The Press and Journal is one of the best performing newspapers but please don’t invoice our editor. I am hoping to put in for a pay rise to The P&J soon, before Alexa takes over this column. Leave a few bob for me in the kitty, Dom.
As I was coming out of the dental surgery, a woman came in to talk to another dentist. She said: “I want a tooth pulled and I don’t want anaesthetic because we’re in a hurry. Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was impressed. “That may be very painful. You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said: “Donald, show him your tooth.”
