The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and John Hardie.
Jonathan M Lewis, local headteacher
It has been a trying week for my headteacher brethren and sistren across the nation.
In fact, I’ve had to wrack my brains to think of when I felt more on the rack than I have with this RAAC business.
We mustnāt over react – as the Education Secretary so wisely said, schools can collapse for many reasons.
Similarly, we canāt afford to be too blasĆ©; we are required to panic precisely the correct amount.
So it was a little galling to be one of those accused by Mrs Keegan of sitting on our glutei maximi during the crisis.
I was so offended by that accusation I put down my Kit-Kat, got up from my chaise and switched off The Today Programme.
But questions over the fitness of our buildings are always concerning. Even if they are a welcome change from those about the staff.
First of all, let me strike dead the parental drop-off zone gossip that besmirches the good name of the reputable builders who have carried out all the recent construction work here at Garioch Academy.
McKechnie & Son are skilled tradesmen who do a good job at a good price – particularly if one is willing to pay cash up front.
āBuffaloā Bill Mckechnie is so called, not, as has been mooted by the school-gate rumour-mongers, because he is āa well-know cowboyā, but rather as a result of his striking resemblance to that particular sub-Saharan ungulate.
And Iām sure he will address the remainder of the new dining hall snagging list, when he returns from his well-deserved holiday in the Cayman Islands.
Secondly, all of us here at Garioch Academy fully understand and share the concerns of parents that our school may suddenly need to close as a result of some roof panels having passed their sell-by.
Whilst the prospect of the ceiling crumbling in the gym hall is sub-optimal, is it really any worse than the alternative – a return to home schooling?
Iām sure all parents would agree that with the provision to our young learners of preventative hard hats and Ibuprofen, keeping the school open is the preferable course.
You canāt wrap them in cotton wool! As initial experiments with Mr Collinsā regrettably wriggly S1 Art class demonstrated. Little Houdinis, the lot of them!
But having said all that, I am delighted to advise that the structural engineer who visited the Garioch Academy Estate has shown me an early draft of his findings and there is no RAAC here at Garioch Academy.
We’ve got lead paint, we’ve got asbestos and we’ve even got a little bit of plutonium in one of the boysā toilet cisterns – but, in a stroke of good fortune, not so much as a single breeze block of the dreaded RAAC.
At least, not since Dean Smart in S5 burned down the bike shelters over the summer holidays.
Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz shocked tae hear aboot the new Police Scotland scheme being piloted here in the north-east, far some minor crimes will nae longer be investigated, allowing the police tae focus on āemergencies and keeping people safe from harmā.Ā āAtās jist unasseptable, āat. Is it?
Apparently they winna worry aboot ony crime far there is āno associated risk, harm or vulnerabilityā.Ā And if thereās nae CCTV or ither witnesses, they winna look into it neither. So basically, theyāll only solve crimes fit is affa easy tae solve.
Being honest, I find masel in twa minds aboot the hale āhing.
On the one hand, it is a chick, is it? But on the ither, it diz mean that crime is fine as long as ye dinna mak a song and dunce oot oāt and naebādy gets hurt.
I noticed my Jaydenās ears did perk up at āat bittie oā the news, as he scrambled aff doon the road this morning, full oā the joys, wiā his special metal window smashing pellets for his catapult, a brand new foil-lined bag for shop lifting and his favourite screw driver for stair ting ither folks mopeds.
Of course, this hale policy has come aboot cos, jist like aā the rest of us, the police is skint.
Wiā their funding reduced, they canna afford tae investigate athin. Stands tae reason. An example they giāed oā the kinda thing fit theyāre nae gan tae investigate wis āgairden theftā.Ā So files yeāll still get lifted for punch-ups and muggings, itās open season on gnomes.
I telt Big Sonya aboot gairden thefts nae being investigated and she got a far-awa look in her een and went straight doon tae Arnold Clarkās tae hire a flat-bed loader. I dinna āhink she took me literally, but pit it āis wye. If ye bide in Seaton, Iād lock doon yer lawn if I wis you.
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