The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and king of the grips
I read this wik that we’re sending pandas tae China, fit seemed a bittie unfair. China has a load of pandas a’ready, fit wye do they need oor eens? But it turned oot that the story wis aboot the only giant pandas in the country fa hiv jist gone back tae China after 12 years in Edinburgh Zoo.
It’s a fair comedoon fae the heights o’ their fame, fan they wiz in a’ that Kung Fu movies and daein ballet in yon advert files the photographer wis haein his Kit Kat. Still, ‘at’s show business.
Noo, obviously I hinna iver gone tae Edinburgh Zoo to visit them masel. Nae for want o’ trying, I might add – but entry is a helluva price, my Dairylea Triangle didna pass for a Blue Peter Badge, and the ooter wa’s is too high tae climb o’er.
Bad news for me, but good news for the good people o’ Corstorphine fa dinna wint tae find a pygmy hippopotamus in their paddling pool, or a jaguar using their sand pit as a litter tray.
Folk love pandas, div they? I think it’s because they seem sae like us humans. They’re lazy, clumsy, and fan ye see them up close they look exactly like a fat mannie in a panda suit.
Files they wis here, Edinburgh Zoo wis hoping they might hear the pitter patter o’ tiny panda paws. But, despite a decade o’ trying, the pandas, Sunshine and Sweetie, niver delivered. There wis a very relatable reason for ‘at an’ a’ – it turned oot that the female wis jist completely disinterested in the male. Aye, tell me aboot it, Sunshine!
It turns oot that zoos jist rent pandas, and they’re nae cheap. Edinburgh Zoo wiz paying £1 million a year for their twa, plus £750 thoosand on top o’ that for the right kind o’ bamboo. I had nae idea it wid cost ‘at. I also had nae idea that Edinburgh Zoo had that much cash rolling aboot.
Yang Guang and Tian Tian arrived safe and sound in Chengdu this morning 🛬
They will now be entering a quarantine period, after which we'll share updates on how they settle in to their new homes 🐼 pic.twitter.com/BoZon5K37M
— Edinburgh Zoo (@EdinburghZoo) December 5, 2023
So, in a bid tae facilitate the free movement of funds back into the UK economy in general (and my pooches, specifically), I am planning tae offer them a replacement panda for a fraction o’ the price.
My pal Mick the Pill his volunteered and is weel up for a hurl doon tae the capital, though he says he diznae want tae rax his back shoving a panda intae the back o’ the van. But he needn’t worry. He winna be manhandling endangered wildlife. He’s gaan tae be the fat mannie in the panda suit.
Cosmo Fawkes-Hunt, 13th Earl of Kinmuck
Well, truss me up, score my skin, rub me in salt and roast me! The world has gone quite frankly doolally over Rishi Sunak’s perfectly reasonable and totally necessary plans to send a small number of asylum seekers to Rwanda, in deliberate contravention of international law.
The press has been awash with the usual bleeding-heart lefty-liberal flimflam, suggesting that our government ministers are beastly ogres for even contemplating sending these poor, desperate souls to Sub-Saharan Africa, just because doing so would be unlawful, eye-wateringly expensive and entirely pointless.
Tripe and hogwash with a balderdash chaser! Great Britain has a long and proud tradition of spending money to achieve nothing – how else do you explain HS2, or ITV paying Nigel Farage £1.5 million to go into the jungle?
Once the celebrities have left the camp, it should be given a quick sweep and made ready for the first consignment of British deportees
Speaking of which, the PM should take some guidance from the bold Nigel – surely the only politician left with a shred of credibility. He’s been over in Australia, and his presence in the camp has demonstrated to everyone just what it means for humans to suffer.
In my opinion (and it is a considered opinion), Rwanda is too good for them. I visited there once and it was delightful. Rolling hills, picturesque villages, an excellent coal-mining museum… Hang on, as you were, that was the Rhondda. Still, my point remains.
They should be glad they’re not getting the same treatment my grandpappy, the 11th Earl, gave trespassers on the Kinmuck Estate. Indeed, his epithet of “I’ve never met the rambler who could outrun a shotgun pellet” is etched on the family mausoleum.
But the antipodes may, once again, provide a solution. We also have a long and proud tradition of sending our waifs, strays and undesirables to the colonies. And we all know what a success that proved to be!
Once the celebrities have left the camp, it should be given a quick sweep and made ready for the first consignment of British deportees. If sleeping on a hammock next to Frankie Dettori and eating kangaroo collywobblers is good enough for Mr Farage, it’s good enough for Johnny Asylum-Seeker!
At first blush, it may sound ridiculous, unworkable and unethical. But, I remain hopeful, because that’s exactly the kind of policy the current government likes.