You know someone has messed up when it’s announced there is to be an investigation about their tweets. Usually, it’s some footballer who has risen to an internet troll’s mickey-taking on Instagram provoking him about his team or his wife or girlfriend.
Sometimes it’s the WAG who has been ripping into some other soccer hero’s missus and the fur flies. Like Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy.
The pair of them, who are known for being very glamorous, in various guises when on various beaches and islands of love, are currently keeping courts busy over Instagram leaks.
Sorry girls, not interested. I might, though, be a little interested in the latest personality to get into bother over liking a Brazilian bikini model wearing clothes resembling a school uniform.
Nope, not Coleen’s wee man. Try again. Another occasional tweeter with an even bigger following? Not Daniel Radcliffe, although at 5ft 4in he is shorter than this guy, who is 5ft 8in.
It’s Pope Francis. His Instagram account liked a Brazilian named Natalia Garibotto. Natty G has 2.4 million followers on Instagram – oh, it’s just gone up to 2.5m – and she follows 569 other Insta celebs.
That’s nothing. The Pope has 7.4 million followers. And he follows… no one. What a dude. Follow me, people of the world, but don’t expect me to follow you back. I have a life.
I like his style. Keep ’em keen, your Holiness. The rascal in IT responsible was probably dared on his last day by some carefree cardinal to like one for the team before he headed off to another great Italian giant of industry, such as Ferrari or Pirelli.
They used to make great slippers, you know. Spongy rubber soles. They were bought by geeks and that iconic name was engraved in the rubber. No, not Ferrari cars, Pirelli slip-ons.
Whatever happened to slippers? Now it’s trainers, sandshoes, clogs and Crocs. What is wrong with slippers with elasticated gussets and a cringe-worthy tartan pattern? We had a neighbour once who always drove in his dressing gown and slippers.
He said: “If I’m ever involved in a car crash and it’s my fault, I will just say I’m a witness from a nearby house.”
I had a similar problem to the Pope recently. I was cooking up a spicy storm in the kitchen the other day. The rogan josh was coming along well.
So I texted Mrs X to say it would be ready in an hour and to remember the garlic and coriander naan. Have you tried them? Yummy. She turned up a wee while later to say the supermarket didn’t have what I had asked for.
When Mrs X showed me her phone, that predictive nonsense had turned my request into a Gaelic and cormorant nanny. Er, yum.
Mr Donald Trump has been known to get in a right covfefe with his tweets. That’s the word he came out with in a tweet in 2017 and it has since been accepted as a proper word.
Unlike his recent term: “I won this election, by a lot.” With legal action getting nowhere, he is now letting the Biden transition team come in – so he is obviously getting ready to move out. Not that it will be the end of the White House connection with the Hebrides.
Here’s why. Joe Biden has invited the Irish traditional musicians The Chieftains to his inauguration. Playing and singing on a permanent basis with Paddy Moloney and the boys is Mrs X’s childhood friend, Stornoway songbird Alyth McCormack.
So she will be there too, giving it laldy on the lawn to The Star-Spangled Banner on January 20.
Unless Joe B takes the decision to do it virtually, in which case his inauguration will happen on Zoom from many spare rooms with appallingly untidy bookshelves.
Musicians, groups and orchestras do it by videolink these days. The Kaiser Chiefs are performing on Saturday. For these big bands, you still have to buy a ticket. For a tenner, could be worth a watch.
Or you could go on to Western Isles Council’s page on Facebook on Friday nights for some Hebridean homegrown warblers and string pluckers. It’s all free. Search for Comhairle Ceilidh.
This Friday, the cosy get-together features the hugely talented Willie Campbell.
I had a highly-strung girlfriend once and she was very artistic. One day she got very emotional and said she wanted to draw things on my body.
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
