I dinna ken aboot yous, but I’m ayewiz keeping an eye on the latest bairns’ names celebrities ging for. For a trendsetter like masel, ye hiv tae keep up wi’ the times. Like fan Kim Kardashian named her first born “North West”, I was able tae advise my pregnant pals fa winted tae be part o’ the cultural zeitgeist, and they named their kids “West Hill”, “East Neuk” and “South Anderson Drive”.
This week, though, the naming o’ celebrity babies got elevated tae new heights, then blasted intae space on a massive rocket. Inventor and obvious crackpot Elon Musk – fa sounds like an abandoned experimental Lynx fragrance – and his partner the singer Grimes (no, me neither) hiv just heard the patter o tiny feet. I mean, fan I hear Elon and Grimes I used tae think o’ the stoor on the side o the wa’ o’ the New Inn Hotel, but efter this pair, nae mair!
Elon and Grimes, fa obviously named their bairn fan Grimes wiz still oot her face on gas and air, hiv cried their newborn “X AE A-12”.
Now, that is a name and a half. My first thought is that they wiz trying tae save some money on a personalised number plate fan the bairn turns 17, but apparently the name his a deeper meaning. The X means “unknown variable”, the AE is the Elven spelling o’ love, and the A-12 is their favourite aircraft. I ken fit you’re thinking. “I’ll hae fitter them twa is smoking!” That is special is it? Still, it’s nae ony dafter than Boris and Carrie crying their baby Wilfred.
Still, far the celebrities lead, my pal Big Sonya will follow, so fan her next een arrives she’s gaan tae follow the Musk/Grimes formula; Unknown + Funcy Spelling o’ love + favourite vehicle. So ’at means her next een’ll be cried “Dad Aye-aye! Cortina”.
Shelley Shingles – Showbiz Correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983
OM actual G! I see Tom Cruise has done a deal with Nasa to film a new movie in space! Just goes to show, some folks’ll go to any lengths to get away from social distancing rules! I reckon he’s doing it cos he’s had some mixed reviews recently, and this is one way he can be sure of giving an out of this world performance!
Some folks have been asking if it’s really appropriate at this time of crisis to be letting movie stars go into space, but of course Tom’s only wee so he won’t take up too much room on the rocket. Nasa are all for it. They say it’s a good way to get kiddies interested in science. I would have thought that showing them videos of Mintoes getting dropped into Diet Coke might have been a bittie cheaper but what do I know!?
Of course, Tom and me go way back. I met him in Sauchiehall Street when he was in Glasgow filming Edge of Tomorrow and I wiz doing some spokes-modelling work for the Scottish Oatmeal Council. I was dressed up as a sexy white pudding and my pal Lindy was a hot bowl of porridge (and I do mean hot. That outfit was 100% non-breathable materials. On a fine day it was like wearing your own Turkish bath). We seen Tom going by and I asked him if he’d ever had skirlie. I’ll never forget what he said to me. “No”, he replied, “the secret is to get plenty of vitamin C.”
Wise words, from a true gent.
Ron Cluny, council spokesman
Just because I am working from home, doesn’t mean I am under-utilised. As a council spin-doctor, even in the lockdown, I’m called to action when our elected officials come up with innovative ideas that require to be fully articulated to the press, lest there be some misunderstanding, and they appear, to the untrained eye, to be less than brilliant.
Take the provost’s recent suggestion that we consider giving the Freedom of Aberdeen to Prince Charles. The usual political point-scorers have pooh-poohed the idea, suggesting that now is not the time to be considering a massive parade, and an enormous civic banquet. But the provost should be congratulated for thinking outside the box. Remember, Barney first proposed this honour while the prince was convalescing at Balmoral, when lesser civic leaders might just have sent a Get Well Soon card.
And a big do like this might be just the thing the city needs to kittle us up a bittie in this time of crisis. A Freedom of the City ceremony can be easily be adapted to the current situation. Clearly, we can’t have flag-waving crowds on Union Street, so let’s instead line the roads with monitors so a grateful populace can all attend by Zoom while cheering remotely.
And when it comes to the great big celebratory Freedom Of The City slap-up feed, I for one would be willing to attend, on the understanding that social distancing would be adhered to.
Keeping guests two metres apart would make for tricky dinner-table conversation, but makes it a lot easier to fill your pooches with leftovers without anyone clocking you. After the Denis Law do, I lived off vol-au-vents for a fortnight.