The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Struan Metcalfe, MP for Aberdeenshire North and surrounding nether regions
I love being a Conservative politician. It’s absolutely blinding. I was having a chin wag with Dominic Raab-to-the-Bone this week.
He didn’t have much on, so we adjourned to the Carlton Club to sink a few shandies and put the world to rights. But we couldn’t be bothered, so instead we came up with our Top 5 reasons why it’s brilliant being a part of this Conservative Government:
- 1. Parties! Toot toot! We blimming well love ‘em. I met Mrs Metcalfe – both current and former – at a works do. I met my best friend, personal secretary and squash partner Hugo at a Young Tories mash-up at uni. And my new aide Heidi – her background’s in promotions so I’ve put her forward to be an economic advisor to the UN – bumped into me at the chocolate fountain at Number 10.
- 2. Winking – Winking at work is a thing of joy. You can wink at the policemen when you go in, wink at the dinner ladies at lunchtime, but most importantly, wink at the right-on wokerati in the shadow cabinet whilst talking about affairs of state. It reminds them that however passionately they care about improving the lot of the average prole, we’re still in charge! One tends to only wink at the ladies of the Labour front bench, but it isn’t sexist.
— ITV News (@itvnews) June 29, 2022
- 3. When you go to the bar after work, you are still at work. You can even be on holiday, sitting on a beach whilst an international crisis unfolds and eventually, once you’ve worked out how to get out of your hammock, you can make a call and save some puppies who were stranded in Afghanistan. All whilst sipping a Pina Colada.
- 4. The ‘Conservative Party Code of Conduct’. Whilst ‘getting the whip withdrawn’ sounds like something tremendously painful, it actually only happens if one has been exceedingly naughty. But only if the press lads find out. And sometimes, not even then. The Tory Code of Conduct is fantastic. If you get accused of something, even if you definitely did it and it would have got you sacked from any other job on the planet, the party will say ‘His behaviour in this matter was inappropriate and fell short of the standards the party expects, however, it did not breach the Code of Conduct’ and that’s you! Back to the Strangers’ Bar for happy hour.
The eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed our Top 5 has only 4 entries. Unfortunately we had to cut the session short when there was a bit of a rumpus involving Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher. He doesn’t have a nickname. But there has been a lot of this sort of thing about in the party lately, hasn’t there?
I was saying to Gav ‘Sir-Chance-a-lot’ Williamson that it was a good job Boris is at the helm – there’s certainly no way he’d ever get up to any sexual misconduct in office – and he agreed. In fact, he agreed so hard he almost choked on his Cognac.
Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I’ve nae been paying attention tae the Aiberdeen Beach Masterplan. There’s that much Masterplans on the go it must be like a James Bond at the Toon’s Hoose of noo. And fitiver the plan is, guaranteed that folk’ll moan aboot it. And then years later it’ll a’ be daen and it winna look like it did in the picter. So folk’ll moan aboot that, although, they’re perfectly happy tae tak fit they’re given fan the same thing happens in MacDonald’s. Fit wye can folk nae jist agree tae disagree? Or at least settle their arguments in a civilised wye by knocking sivvin bells oot o’ each other in Murdo’s car park?
Onywye, I seen in the paper that a wifie had wrote in tae say that they shouldnae dig up the beachfront, cos jist at the fit o’ the Broad Hill is far they beeried a’ the victims o’ bubonic plague. Weel, ‘at fairly pit me aff ma chicken Kievs.
It’s spooky though, is it? Folk walking their dogs or ha’eing a kick aboot wi’ nae idea fit lies beneath. I’m nae in favour o’ digging up a load o’ auld graves. It’s disrespectful tae those fa hiv passed, but mair importantly, hiv naen o’ the folk proposing this plan seen the end o’ Poltergeist? Ye dinna wint tae disturb ony angry ancestors at the Broadhill, unless ye wint the hale o’ Pittodire tae disappear into a swirling vortex o’ supernatural energy.
And I mean tae say, last season wisnae that bad.
- See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24