Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner.

The Flying Pigs: Parties, winking and shandies while you work make it a blinding time to be a Conservative

Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab winks at Deputy Labour Leader Angela Rayner as he speaks during Prime Minister's Questions in the House of Commons.
Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab winks at Deputy Labour Leader Angela Rayner as he speaks during Prime Minister's Questions in the House of Commons.

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

Struan Metcalfe, MP for Aberdeenshire North and surrounding nether regions

I love being a Conservative politician. It’s absolutely blinding. I was having a chin wag with Dominic Raab-to-the-Bone this week.

The Flying Pigs

He didn’t have much on, so we adjourned to the Carlton Club to sink a few shandies and put the world to rights. But we couldn’t be bothered, so instead we came up with our Top 5 reasons why it’s brilliant being a part of this Conservative Government:

  • 1. Parties! Toot toot! We blimming well love ‘em. I met Mrs Metcalfe – both current and former – at a works do. I met my best friend, personal secretary and squash partner Hugo at a Young Tories mash-up at uni. And my new aide Heidi – her background’s in promotions so I’ve put her forward to be an economic advisor to the UN – bumped into me at the chocolate fountain at Number 10.
  • 2. Winking – Winking at work is a thing of joy. You can wink at the policemen when you go in, wink at the dinner ladies at lunchtime, but most importantly, wink at the right-on wokerati in the shadow cabinet whilst talking about affairs of state. It reminds them that however passionately they care about improving the lot of the average prole, we’re still in charge! One tends to only wink at the ladies of the Labour front bench, but it isn’t sexist.

  • 3. When you go to the bar after work, you are still at work. You can even be on holiday, sitting on a beach whilst an international crisis unfolds and eventually, once you’ve worked out how to get out of your hammock, you can make a call and save some puppies who were stranded in Afghanistan. All whilst sipping a Pina Colada.
  • 4. The ‘Conservative Party Code of Conduct’. Whilst ‘getting the whip withdrawn’ sounds like something tremendously painful, it actually only happens if one has been exceedingly naughty. But only if the press lads find out. And sometimes, not even then. The Tory Code of Conduct is fantastic. If you get accused of something, even if you definitely did it and it would have got you sacked from any other job on the planet, the party will say ‘His behaviour in this matter was inappropriate and fell short of the standards the party expects, however, it did not breach the Code of Conduct’ and that’s you! Back to the Strangers’ Bar for happy hour.

The eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed our Top 5 has only 4 entries. Unfortunately we had to cut the session short when there was a bit of a rumpus involving Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher. He doesn’t have a nickname. But there has been a lot of this sort of thing about in the party lately, hasn’t there?

I was saying to Gav ‘Sir-Chance-a-lot’ Williamson that it was a good job Boris is at the helm – there’s certainly no way he’d ever get up to any sexual misconduct in office – and he agreed. In fact, he agreed so hard he almost choked on his Cognac.

Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Correspondent

I da ken aboot youse, but I’ve nae been paying attention tae the Aiberdeen Beach Masterplan. There’s that much Masterplans on the go it must be like a James Bond at the Toon’s Hoose of noo. And fitiver the plan is, guaranteed that folk’ll moan aboot it. And then years later it’ll a’ be daen and it winna look like it did in the picter. So folk’ll moan aboot that, although, they’re perfectly happy tae tak fit they’re given fan the same thing happens in MacDonald’s. Fit wye can folk nae jist agree tae disagree? Or at least settle their arguments in a civilised wye by knocking sivvin bells oot o’ each other in Murdo’s car park?

Onywye, I seen in the paper that a wifie had wrote in tae say that they shouldnae dig up the beachfront, cos jist at the fit o’ the Broad Hill is far they beeried a’ the victims o’ bubonic plague. Weel, ‘at fairly pit me aff ma chicken Kievs.

The proposed Aberdeen FC beach stadium is part of a £150m regeneration effort. Picture by Aberdeen City Council.
The proposed Aberdeen FC beach stadium is part of a £150m regeneration effort. Picture by Aberdeen City Council

It’s spooky though, is it? Folk walking their dogs or ha’eing a kick aboot wi’ nae idea fit lies beneath. I’m nae in favour o’ digging up a load o’ auld graves. It’s disrespectful tae those fa hiv passed, but mair importantly, hiv naen o’ the folk proposing this plan seen the end o’ Poltergeist? Ye dinna wint tae disturb ony angry ancestors at the Broadhill, unless ye wint the hale o’ Pittodire tae disappear into a swirling vortex o’ supernatural energy.

And I mean tae say, last season wisnae that bad.

  • See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24

@flyingpignews

Already a subscriber? Sign in

[[title]]

[[text]]

Conversation

[[title_reg]]

Please enter the name you would like to appear on your comments. (It doesn’t have to be your real name - but nothing rude please, we are a polite bunch!) Use a combination of eight or more characters that includes an upper and lower case character, and a number.

By registering with [[site_name]] you agree to our Terms and Conditions and our Privacy Policy

Or sign up with

Facebook Google

[[content_reg_complete]]

[[title_login]]

Or login with

Forgotten your password? Reset it

[[title]]