The Flying Pigs: It turns out the universe looks like a beautiful, expensive kitchen worktop

By The Flying Pigs

July 16 2022, 6:00 am

The James Webb Space Telescope has captured the highest resolution images of the universe ever taken (Photo: Xinhua/Shutterstock)

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

Professor Hector J Schlenk, senior research fellow, Bogton Institute for Public Engagement

As a scientist, people are always asking me questions; questions like: “When a government holds a confidence vote in itself, is that a vote of self-confidence?”, and: “Should we be wary of a prime ministerial candidate with a surname midway between Mordor and Voldemort?”

But, this week, I’ve been able to avoid these earthly distractions thanks to the release of the first proper images from the James Webb Space Telescope.

My early fears that the Nasa boffins might leave the lens cap on, or forget to put in a memory card, have proved groundless, and the 18 hexagonal, gold-plated mirrors have sent back imagery so stunning that US President Biden had to have a bit of a sit down.

The telescope, currently 1,5000,000 kilometres from earth, is specially tuned to view the universe in infrared: light at a longer wavelength than can be seen with the naked eye. This allows it to look deeper into the universe than ever before, and to glimpse it as it appeared more than 13.5 billion years ago, when President Biden had just qualified for his bus pass.

I shall be requesting Nasa upgrade all security cameras in the Aberdeen area to the same specifications as the James Webb Telescope

And so, we now have the highest resolution image of the universe ever captured. The galaxies are pictured as they were far back in time, when the universe was smaller.

The subsequent expansion of the universe has taken them even further away from us, but also stretched them out in every direction, so that even though they should look smaller, they instead look larger, even though they are further away.

The good news is that this means we may be able to see the first stars ever to shine in our universe; the bad news is it rather ruins that brilliant bit about the cows in Father Ted.

👀 Sneak a peek at the deepest & sharpest infrared image of the early universe ever taken — all in a day’s work for the Webb telescope. (Literally, capturing it took less than a day!) This is Webb’s first image released as we begin to #UnfoldTheUniverse: https://t.co/tlougFWg8B pic.twitter.com/Y7ebmQwT7j

— NASA Webb Telescope (@NASAWebb) July 11, 2022

I gazed in wonder at the image teeming with a myriad stars, looking like a cosmic school disco, the titles from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, or a very expensive kitchen worktop, and was struck by two things.

One was the infinite majesty of the universe, but the other was the fact that the CCTV camera in my garden has insufficient image definition to make out the features of the ned who broke into my shed and nicked my bike.

This definitional disparity is unacceptable, and so I shall be requesting Nasa upgrade all security cameras in the Aberdeen area to the same specifications as the James Webb Telescope. Of course, this will result in CCTV showing what happened years ago, but considerably further away.

This won’t be much help in crime prevention, but I’m hoping for some historic footage of Union Street in the 1980s, perhaps with the Dons parading the Cup Winner’s Cup or, failing that, just with some shops.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the sports pundit who goes in studs up

This week, Old Kenny has been glued to the box watching the Women’s Euros on the telly. I was very disappointed when the Beeb turned down my application to be a punnet for it. Apparently I’m “outdated and prone to gender stereotyping”.

In fairness, though, I have always been a paunch defender of the women’s game. Seeing the English Lionesses demolish the Norwegians 8-0 was a real lesson in attacking fitba.

I watched the game with my pal, Larry, who is a great lad, despite the fact that he is from Essex. He said women’s football could not be taken seriously as the teams was so mismatched and the games were so one-sided. I said: “You didn’t say that when Hungary put six past England’s men’s team!”

Spain take on Germany during the Women’s Euros championship 2022 (Photo: PA)

I also seen that Sepp Bladder and Michel Platypus had been found not guilty of fraud and corruption in a court in Switzerland. The big Swiss cheeses decided that, when Sepp paid Michel 1.7 million smackeroos, it wasn’t a corrupt payment, but backdated fees for advice given 10 years before.

Platypus was one of the greatest players to draw breath, and watching his fall from space has been very sad. But, Old Kenny is very much on the offence thinking about this.

On the one flan, the two of them getting aquavited does feel like a real smack in the face for the beautiful game. But, on the other, I met Sepp Blatter in the lift at the Sheffield Hilton when I was doing commentary at Euro 1996.

I brushed some dandruff off his shoulder and told him his jacket didn’t really go with his slacks. So, I’ll be sending in my invoice for backdated fashion advice. I’m not a greedy man – I reckon 20 grand should cover it!