The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
Professor Hector Schlenk, senior researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science
As a scientist, I am often asked difficult questions like: “How many grubs, insects and marsupial ani would Matt Hancock have to eat to atone for his past failings?” To which I reply: “I don’t know, let’s find out.”
But, much as I think we are all looking forward to that, I was alarmed to read this week that a giant, 2km-wide, planet-destroying asteroid has been detected heading in our direction.
However, there is no need to panic – for, despite being in the top 5% of massive scary rocky things hurtling through space ever detected, when it appears it will cross the earth’s orbit but won’t actually hit us.
At the relevant moment, the earth will be behind the sun, like a plooky schoolboy cowering behind a massive, fiery classmate while a dog scampers through the playground. So, we’re all going to get to watch those Bushtucker Trials after all.
This particular asteroid’s orbit means it will periodically return to our region of space, potentially getting closer each time, and, so, there remains a chance that it could hit us in “many centuries”. Of course, with a recent UN report warning that the world is close to an “irreversible” climate breakdown, the chances of there being anything worth destroying by then is probably negligible. So, that’s all right then.
In other scientific news, while the rest of the world pores over the latest semi-amusing crime thriller by Richard Osman, I have been reading an even more puzzling work entitled “Intrinsic glassy-metallic transport in an amorphous coordination polymer”.
We’re BACK down under with a host of brand new celebrities, ready to face the terrifying trials and tribulations of the jungle 🦘😱#ImACeleb returns this Sunday at 9pm on ITV, STV and ITV Hub. @antanddec pic.twitter.com/yf8LnMRWnc
— I'm A Celebrity… (@imacelebrity) October 31, 2022
This details a recently discovered new material which appears to simultaneously have the properties of both plastic and metal. This baffling substance is plastic-like, but can conduct electricity like metal, and cannot be rationally explained, like the songs of Ed Sheeran.
All other materials which conduct electricity are made up of atoms in a straight line, but, in this stuff, the atoms are all over the shop, which, come to think of it, is less like Sheeran and more like Lewis Capaldi.
But, indeed, there are many things which science cannot explain, for some things in the universe are simply beyond our comprehension. The origins of life. The constituents of dark matter. The return of Suella Braverman.
When dealing with any new and troubling scientific discovery, I always fall back on the advice given to me by my secondary school chemistry teacher: “Put on your safety glasses and keep your mouth shut!” Which, come to think of it, is also very good advice for Matt Hancock.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru
I da ken about yous, but, with the cost o’ living crisis spiralling oot o’ control, I’m finding it harder and harder tae help the kids enjoy even the maist traditional celebrations wi’oot haein tae auction aff een o’ my kidneys.
Efter a short discussion (during fit only een o’ us spoke), we agreed he could dress up as a different character fae the Star Wars oeuvre, Oh-Bla-Di Kenobi
Last wikend wiz Halloween of course, and getting costumes fer my three on a budget wiz a nightmare! My aul’est, Jayden, wiz determined tae ging as Chewbacca fae Star Wars. He found a costume online that cost £300!
Efter a short discussion (during fit only een o’ us spoke), we agreed he could dress up as a different character fae the Star Wars oeuvre, Oh-Bla-Di Kenobi. So, he went oot in a pair o’ broon troosers and my dressing gown wi’ oor paint roller extension pole fer a lightsaber – and a face like fizz.
Then, my middle een, Beyonce-Shanice, winted tae be a unicorn. Fit a unicorn his got tae dae wi Halloween, I’ll never ken. But, somehow, I wiz expected tae come up wi an ootfit at 20 minutes’ notice.
So, I had her pit on her white onesie, made a tail oot o’ the contents o’ the shower drain hair trap, and then found a cunnle that looked a bittie like a horn. Fit a job I hid sticking it tae her heid, though. They should change the name o’ No More Nails tae Nae Mair Skin On Yer Fingers!
Thankfully, my youngest, Kenzie, wiz much mair independent than the ither twa. He decided he was gan as a ghost, so he went for the classic sheet wi’ twa holes cut oot o’ it it fer eyes.
I’m so proud o’ him – but I do wish he had asked me afore he taen the sheet aff the washing line. Because it wid hae been better if it hid been fite, instead o’ haein the Playboy Bunny logo on it.
And it wid hae been even better if it been oors, instead o’ the mannie next door’s. Ye should o’ seen his coupon fan we chapped his door trick-or-treating!
Conversation