The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and John Hardie.
View from the Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander
It’s been a felonious wik in the village. Amidst the constant news o’ wars, price rises and polistical chicanery in the papers this wik, one story gambolled oot in front o’ a’ the ithers. I spik, of course, o’ the car fit police stopped jist ootside Glesca wi’ a wee lamb on the back seat.
Nae an issue in itsel’ (though I dinna think it wiz wearing a seat belt), but next tae it police also found £10,000 worth o’ Class A drugs, and a bug of chips. That’s quite a Setterday evening and nae mistake. If I wiz into puns, I wid say it sounded like something fae Breaking Baaaa-d. But I’m nae, so I winna.
There are an affa lot o’ questions fit spring tae mind aboot this story. Fa’s lamb wiz it? Did the felons intend tae hae it wi their chips? Were they planning a ram raid? Or wiz it a drugs mule efter cost-o’-living cutbacks?
Mind you, focusing on the lamb is daein a disservice tae the real aminal star o’ the story, police dog Billy, fa sniffed athin oot in the first place. I niver fail tae be impressed that ye can train a canine tae dae sic an important task. Especially seeing as my dog’s ancient and still winna pee ootside.
In fact, little has come o’ local efforts tae train aminals in general. Skittery Wullie did eence hae a go at training een o’ his pigs tae pull a rotary lawnmower, but it ended in tragedy. And sausages.
Onywye, fit about the wee lambie? Surely the maist famous sheep in the country since Dolly wiz getting a’ the heidlines?
Weel, happily, the youngster wiz naen the worse for its ordeal, and wiz taken into care by a local fairmer. Definitely a happy ending for it, at least until the fairmer funcies chops for his tea.
Cheerio!
Jonathan M Lewis, local headteacher
It’s that time of year again, when our brightest and best here at Garioch Academy get to test their mettle in their final exams. Of course, I wish them all the best, and we are hopeful for fantastic results for our pupils, given our league table position.
As Mr Duncan of the PE department observed, this year’s exam cohort are more Cove Rangers than Man City, but miracles can happen. And, given the amount of praying I’ve seen from pupils, many seem to favour divine assistance over preparation, so it’s in God’s hands now!
Study leave is a funny time of year. Most teachers have fewer classes than normal, which means my leadership team likes to keep them out of mischief with little development tasks, like designing an entire new curriculum for S1, or creating innovative new punishment exercises for use in detentions.
One task I’ve set for Mr Love, the head of computing, is to keep an eye on the school’s Wikipedia page, which some wag keeps editing. On that note, I can reassure parents that, not withstanding what a Google search might suggest, our school song remains “Non Nomis Domine”, rather than “Lip Up Fatty”.
Our biggest challenge during study leave is ensuring that our S1 to S3 pupils do not get too big for their boots
But, study leave is really about the pupils preparing themselves for their exams. I am full of pride when I see the handcrafted study timetables, the ornately highlighted cue cards, the huddles of pupils in maths classrooms wrestling with pi and Pythagoras.
We often endure an unhelpful stereotype of pupils on study leave: staying in bed until midday, subsisting exclusively on bowls of cornflakes, watching Cash in the Attic and Loose Women – but I’m as confident that the Garioch youngsters will use their time wisely as I am that we’re all in for a May Day weekend of glorious sunshine.
Our biggest challenge during study leave is ensuring that our S1 to S3 pupils do not get too big for their boots. When the cats are away, the mice shall play, after all!
I’ve already had a stern but mutually respectful conversation with some of the S3 boys who felt that the janitor’s shed was simply crying out for a spot of illicit vaping. “Do it on the way home, please,” I called after them, as they walked off, sniggering apologetically.
There is, of course, an opportunity for the younger pupils to develop their own leadership skills at this time of year, so it was heartening to see young Lachlan Forbes ensuring good order in the bun queue on Thursday morning, for example. And what an excellent opportunity for him to work on his mixed martial arts headlock and choke hold! Opportunity knocks – and, if you try to skip the bun queue, so does Lachlan!
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