Poor Lilibet. What do you mean which one?
Ah, of course. The Queen now has to share the name by which she is affectionately known to those other royals, at least the ones who don’t call her Mama and Granmama, with Harry and Meghan Sussex’s baby daughter.
I mean, Her Maj doesn’t have her troubles to seek. Harry says he’s writing a warts-an’-all book.
The troublesome grandson is planning to write of the highs and lows of being the privileged kid he always was and the privileged cove he has now become.
Reports claim the prince now known as Mister has signed a four-book deal worth a cool £29 million. One of the volumes may be by Meghan who plans to pen everything she knows about wellness. I’m sure it will be a lovely read, for those who like that sort of thing.
Harry’s mates are not overjoyed. They will scan it closely for mentions of themselves. Meghan’s chums are less than ecstatic. These longtime friends are threatening to expose more colourful tales about the Sussexes if they are unkind to them in print. Cor blimey, guv’nor. It’s all kicking off, as these posh types tend never to say.
Platinum Jubilee plans are underway
People with the name Harry seem to get themselves into sticky situations. My old mucker Harry from London got himself into some bother a couple of years ago when he took his missus for a break to the continent. Things got very confusing when they tried to check in at their hotel. The staff thought they hated it and were leaving. Did I not mention they were in Italy? And his name is Harry Viderchy.
Meanwhile the Queen is worried about mentions in Harry’s book as she prepares for a jolly old knees-up next year for her Platinum Jubilee. She has Elton John lined up to lead the celebrations. Sources say Ed Sheeran, best known now as the scruffy one at the end of the couch on Celebrity Gogglebox, and legend Stevie Wonder are also booked.
Can’t think what Elton John will perform at the jubilee celebrations. Please, not Candle in the Wind again
Will they get Stevie up on the palace roof where the Madness lads were in 2012? What will Stevie sing? Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing? Maybe. Isn’t She Lovely? Probably. I Just Called To Say I Love You? Hmm. Part-Time Lover? No way. Uptight (Everything’s Alright)? Well… You Are the Sunshine of My Life? Definitely.
Can’t think what Elton John will perform. Please, not Candle in the Wind again. What’s that one from The Lion King? Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Yep. Or maybe he and the Queen could get together for a wee number or two?
Maybe Elton could don his extra-huge sunglasses and squeeze into his 1972-style platform shoes and tinkle the ivories while she finds the sparkliest tiara in the vault for them both to sing Sacrifice. “And it’s no sacrifice, just a simple word. It’s two hearts livin’ in two separate worlds.”
Goodbye, normal jeans
My running order for the Platinum Jubilee is almost done. Much better than yon Diamond Jubilee bash organised by Gary Barlow back in 2012. He could only get Robbie Williams, Kylie Minogue and Madness doing palace roof repairs to music. Huh.
I’m going to pencil in Elton and Her Maj looking earnestly at each other and singing I’m Still Standing.
Which is more than you can do on some Caledonian MacBrayne ferries these days. Yes, I can’t end without touching on my favourite subject of how not to run ferry services in Scotland, as demonstrated by CalMac in faltering partnership with Scottish government ministers who are still showing how little they care about transport up here.
The last week has seen more vessel breakdowns, even the emergency ferry gone kaput, more inaction, more delays, and more foot passengers refused boarding. More silence from our SNPs and MPs, and more reasons to think the Raving Loony Party would make a better fist of things than them.
They claim they care but the lack of urgency by new transport minister Graeme Dey tells us another story.
Now another sad story has just reached me about Elton John. Apparently he has put on so much weight during lockdown that he will have to have bigger sparkly trousers specially made for the Platinum Jubilee. Goodbye, normal jeans.