A woman who was repeatedly raped by her own father as a little girl has spoken publicly for the first time to tell others in her situation: “Be proud of yourself for surviving”.
Nikki Houston, who was only four years old when she was first raped by her dad Duncan, has bravely waived her right to anonymity in order to help other survivors of sexual abuse.
Former soldier Houston, 59, was unanimously convicted of a series of horrifying sex offences following a trial at the High Court in Aberdeen.
Nikki, a 33-year-old mother-of-four, said she was speaking out for the sake of other victims, telling them: “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
She also wants them to know that coming forward and reporting their attacker to police “isn’t as scary as you’re made to believe it’s going to be”.
‘I decided to take a stand’
Speaking to the Press and Journal, Nikki said she has struggled to come to terms with what happened to her between 1994 and 2002 and has suffered serious mental illness and attempted suicide as a result.
After first reporting Houston when she was just 11 years old – resulting in him being jailed for eight years in 2002 – she chose to go back and report him for additional offences she had been too scared to tell police about at the time.
“I decided it was time to take the power back. It was time for justice,” she said.
“For me, personally, I was thinking of my family. It was only after I had kids, to prove to them that people can get justice, that I decided to take a stand.
“I think it’s important because I know there’s other little girls and boys going through the same thing – and they’re going through it now.
“This is to prove that victims aren’t in the wrong. We shouldn’t have to hide and suffer our whole lives.
“We can stand with our heads held high and be proud that we’re survivors out to get justice because that’s what we deserve – there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
‘I died at the age of four’
The long-term effects of child sexual abuse are often devastating for its victims and are commonly accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame and self-loathing.
Nikki admits that she still battles those emotions every day as she tries to make sense of what happened to her.
“It ruins not just a childhood, it ruins an entire life,” she said.
“It affects me to this day. I still feel dirty and ashamed that I have done something wrong. You lose a sense of who you are. For me I died at the age of four, I’m just a vessel now.”
Nikki said the hardest aspect for her is understanding why it happened and yet knowing she will probably never truly find the answers she craves.
“I don’t understand how someone could do that to any child, especially their own,” she said.
“It makes you feel helpless for the truth. And [the truth] is something I’ll never get because he will never give me it.
“I have no idea why he did what he did.”
As Duncan Houston was convicted of the crimes against his daughter he was told by Judge Lady Drummond to expect a “significant” prison sentence.
Despite getting justice, Nikki says she’s the one who is left to pick up the pieces of what was done to her by her “predatory, opportunistic and sexually abusive” father.
“He destroyed me. He destroyed my life,” she said.
“I’m 33 now and I’m still trying to figure out who I am. I’m still lost. I’m still hurting.
“I have my good days. I can appreciate the good I’ve got in my life with my children – they’re fantastic. But the not knowing why and asking ‘why me?’ – it feels like being punished. It destroys a person’s soul.”
Nikki said that it was only when she became an adult that the long-lasting impact of what had been done to her started to become clear.
However, she is adamant that reporting her father to police and getting justice have helped her move on with her life.
“It was only when I hit rock bottom that I realised something needed to change,” she said.
“But it’s more the thought of bottling it up and keeping it inside, I’ve said it out loud now. I’ve let the world know what he is and that he no longer scares me.
“For all the other victims out there, hold your head up high and know that you’ve done nothing wrong. Be proud of yourself for surviving.”
Help is out there
Rape Crisis Scotland provides confidential help and support anyone who has been affected by sexual violence.
Get in touch any day between 5pm and midnight by calling 08088 01 03 02.
You can also contact the charity by texting 07537 410 027 or emailing support@rapecrisisscotland.org.uk. Webchat is available at www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
