The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and king of the grips
It look like there’s a bittie o’ light on the horizon for the centre o’ toon, wi’ a packed public meeting held by the “Our Union Street” community taskforce this wik. I wiz there, of course, in my capacity as a concerned citizen. I wiz maistly concerned that they might be giving oot freebies and I didnae wint tae miss oot. Plus, it wis a free event at the Music Ha’, I wiz needing the loo and the eens at Union Terrace Gardens is still padlocked.
And fit a meeting it wiz! It began wi’ a shock, fan they flashed up a rude word on the big screen, fit wiz a pithy summary up of the state o’ the city centre by a local. I’m probably nae allowed tae print it here but it started wi’ a ‘sh’ and it ended wi an ‘le’. And it wisnae ‘shoogle’.
The group hiv sought views fae thoosands o’ fowk aboot Union Street and hiv collated athin’, and it’s nae jist local opinion fit is dim. They also quoted a German tourist fa had come aff een o’ the cruise ships and asked if the street cleaners wiz on strike. I wiz startled by ‘at comment, cos I didnae ken we still hid ony street cleaners. But I thocht that wiz a bit cheeky. Spotless Scandinavian and German streets is a’ very weel, but here wir pavements is ingrained wi’ character, wi’ history and wi’ chuddy.
But this is a new dawn, and they hiv come up wi’ a radical new wye o’ ensuring that only the maist committed and passionate fowk sign up tae help – they’re nae gan tae pay ony of em. As you can imagine, at that point my interest in the project began to fade, but it wis quickly piqued again fan one boy at the meeting suggested that Aiberdeen’s seagulls could be trained tae pick up rubbish. It’s apparently a thing in Japan far they hiv craws fit hiv been trained tae collect litter, in return for which they get a reward.
I hiv my doots about this as a viable plan, though, cos seagulls is nae craws. Craws is famously considered highly intelligent aminals, they is the Professor Brian Cox o’ the avian world. But seagulls, files they may be cunning, is also coorse, Mair like the other Brian Cox in ‘Succession’, and ye widna bet against them taking rubbish oot the bins and chucking it aboot fan naeb’dys looking sos they can get a treat for picking it up again.
But the ‘Our Union Street’ project is daein weel, onywye. They’ret is definitely a good thing and it’s great tae see it up and running. They’re moving intae een o’ the vacant trams at Union Terrace Gardens, and this in itself is affa good news for the area. Especially if it means they’ll be taking the padlocks aff the lavvies. Fit a welcome relief ‘at wid be.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in hard early doors
“I’m forever throwing baubles!” Old Kenny become a West Ham fan on Wednesday night (though only temperamentally, of course) as they stuck Florence and the Machine in the Euro-Diddy Conference League final. The Hammers got played off the park by the Florettes, but like all good teams they found a way to win even in despite of theirselves. The fans went full-scale mental when the young lad Bowen stroked the winner home and my sources tell me the players and staff was painting the streets of Plague red into the small wee-wee hours of the night.
The Hammers’ gaffer, David Moyes, looked like a pickled tink in some of the post-match videos I seen, but you can’t blame the man for letting his hair down. After all, before Wednesday, the biggest trophy Moyesy had ever won was the Community Shield with Man Utd – and that’s even more of a diddy cup than this thing! The rumba mill is saying that Moyzo might be a in with a shout for the vacant managerial hot-tub at Celtic, but it’s hard to see him leaving the London Stadium when he’s just achieved what is, arguably, the picnic table of his career.
Of course, The Dandy Dons have a proud European kedgeree, and if they lose their Diddy Champions’ League playoff, there’s a good chance they’ll be playing in this tournament next season. If they was able to amputate West Ham’s fantastic achievement and win this trophy, it wouldn’t be unheard of. Even though until this week I hadn’t not never heard of it.