The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Greg Gordon, Andrew Breber and Simon Fogiel.
Professor Hector Schlenk, senior researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science
As a scientist, people have been badgering me with complicated questions, such as: “Does the law of averages suggest that the more children Boris Johnson produces, the higher the likelihood that one of them will grow up to respect and admire his achievements?”
But I’ve been ignoring such far-fetched enquiries and focusing instead on the science story of the week, which happened right here in Aberdeen! Residents can often be found jovially “taking the p***”, and so it is splendid to see the latest serious scientific application of precisely that principle.
Scientists in Aberdeen have installed a new facility in the city’s James Hutton Institute to enable the collection of their colleagues’ urine, as part of a study that could help reduce greenhouse gas emissions such as methane and nitrous oxide used in sewage treatment.
Evidence suggests that tiny microbes found in one’s “water” can be used for this process, which involves said microbes “munching through wastewater contaminants into an electrical circuit”. Such processes may boggle the mind and cause one to involuntarily cross one’s legs, but they do have the result of halving the harmful emissions produced.
While many of you will no doubt see this as an excuse for sniggering or holding one’s nose, I as a scientist find the whole exercise most laudable. So much so that when I noted that the experiments in question require 3.3 litres of the stuff daily, I resolved to assist in my own small way by providing what I suppose could be called an alternative stream for their research.
A mere half hour after necking two litres of Lipton’s peach tea, I was ready to make my contribution to science. Sadly, however, there is no plumbing in my home which connects it with the Hutton Institute, and none of the faux Tupperware simulacrums in my kitchen cupboards proved to have a sufficiently robust seal to enable transportation across town.
Plus, all of the courier companies I phoned up told me to get lost and accused me of “taking” a certain substance – an allegation which carried a certain irony, as that is precisely what I was asking them to do!
So, it’s back to the drawing board and, indeed, the lavvie, just as soon as Mrs Schlenk relents and lets me back in the house.
View From The Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been a reputational wik in the village. And also a wik in which my nae having a TV aerial or a stable internet connection has been quite handy, in saving me fae the worst o’ the gawpin’ for unseemly details o’ the one news story that ab’dy in the news keeps banging on aboot, presumably because it involves the news being in the news, which is itself news.
Funny, isn’t it, how a’ the major news outlets is backing off like scalded cats noo that it has become clear that the subject of the speculation is in hospital suffering from serious mental health issues? Because fa could ever have imagined in advance that exposing someone to a prolonged feeding frenzy about their private life would have an impact upon somebody’s mental health?
Whilst seeking something – anything! – else tae spik aboot, I wiz intrigued tae find a story fit claimed that Kenyan tea plantation workers are suing JFK, fa is apparently based in Aiberdeen.
Twelve-hour days wi nae break, and earning £100 a month? Naeb’dy gan tae be envious aboot that job, apart possibly fae Amazon workers
Well this wiz news tae me, and no mistake. And here wiz me thinkin’ that JFK hidnae deen o’er much since Dallas. Much like Patrick Duffy fa played Bobby Ewing. But it turns oot JFK is nae ‘at JFK but is short for “James Findlay Kenya”. Fit is a company fit maks Kenyan tea, wi the company still registered in Aiberdeen, despite being founded in 1750.
Jist like fan I watch Skittery Wullie hurplin’ doon the road, I am frankly amazed they’re still ga’an. Mind you, if the claimants’ lawyers is to be believed, they’re also treating their workers like it’s 1750 an a’. Twelve-hour days wi nae break, and earning £100 a month? Naeb’dy gan tae be envious aboot that job, apart possibly fae Amazon workers jealous that at least this particular lot o’ exploited workers get some sun ootside.
The hale thing is apparently a big historic hoo-ha in the world o’ Scots law, as it may mean ony company has tae legally abide by the rules o’ the country it’s registered in and nae far it actually diz its work. Fit means interesting times for a’ yon companies registered in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda fit they cry shell companies. Apparently there’s loads of those. I nivver kent shells wiz so popular. Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in studs up
Old Kenny’s regulatory readers will know how antagonising I finds the football off-season. I even scooped to watching Novax Choccybix at Wimbledon the other night.
But, whilst I slaver at the prospect of the three-course meal that is the main football season, thank goodness that my old club the Dandy Dons have gave my pallet a much needed amused bush!
First up, they revealed their new home kit. I normally leave the fashion reviews to my missus, the lovely Melody, but even I feel qualified to call it “well smart”. The red and gold minds me of the colours of mighty Spain. But, alongside the Spaniels, there’s also a hint of Roy of the Rovers going on as well.
Then the Dandies stuck the mighty Turriff United in a midweek friendly. Although a win was to be expectorated, the Reds’ 9-0 victory was a win the like of which I was not expecting to see of which, which will send schlock waves around Europe! Or, at least, the parts of Europe that get The P&J. Fair play to new lad, Easter Sokler, for bagging four goals on his first appearance, too.
So, roll on the start of the season proper! The future is bright: the future is red and gold!