Did you see Rod Stewart with his shovel trying to fill in those potholes? That road was in a shocking state.
You don’t expect to see a rock star, aged 77, putting his hot legs into a pair of green trainers and wielding a shovel.
We’re being told by the sensible brigade at Essex Highways not to do the same because it’s dangerous to be not watching the traffic, while filling in holes.
Rod seemed to have the knack. He had three burly guys with him and a lorry with a load of gravel and he sang to keep them, and him, amused. The first hole is the deepest? Seriously, don’t try it at home. Many places have badly-neglected roads these days. Just report it to your local coonsil.
In my experience here, they turn out quickly. From phone to shovel, they filled the last reported hole here in Plasterfield in 90 minutes. Less-efficient authorities, like where Rod lives, are available. Please don’t go out into the road in case a fast car comes along. Listen.
Glorious victory for Leclerc in F1
Neeeeeaaauuuhhh. Wait, here’s another one. Neeeeeaaauuuhhh. My finger’s not stuck in the keyboard. I am simply trying to recreate the atmosphere of Sunday’s Bahrain Grand Prix – in writing. This was when the Ferrari team of Charles Leclerc and Carlos Sainz were looking good to win. Listen. They’re coming round for another lap. Neeeeeaaauuuhhh.
Enough Neeeeeaaauuuhhhs. They roared to glorious victory with Leclerc first and teammate Carlos Sainz six seconds behind in second place. Poor Lewis Hamilton, who has no connection with Lewis, limped in in third place. Ferrari scooped first and second. Fandabbydozi, get in there, lick that lollipop and other sporting clichés. A lollipop is nothing to do with confectionery but is a round sign on a stick they show drivers as they’re whizzing into the pits to tell them to stop.
The reason I’m all Formula 1 is because I’ve discovered the driver-engineer for Carlos Sainz has a connection with Lewis. He’s my cousin. Yep. A Great Berneranian on his father’s side, cousin Calum has worked for Scuderia Ferrari F1 for more than five years and has overtaken many a fine engineer to be the top cove who tells the drivers how to get the best out of their machine.
Having to say the f-word quietly
Seems you got it pretty much spot-on at the weekend, Calum. Neeeeeaaauuuhhh.
Calum’s dad, Angus, and his family were next door to us in Tobson when we were young. Angus soon went off to Glasgow – to be a mechanic, of course. The rest is history.
I’m delighted. His aunt Maggie Shields is delighted. Great Bernera is delighted. Some wag from Tobson is already online celebrating Calum’s achievement by improvising folk sensations Peat ‘n’ Diesel’s lyrics. “That’s the way we do it, we do it in Tobson.” Good effort. Now try and sing it like Boydie – and make it rhyme.
Fabulous Ferrari forever, and any other words starting with f. Oops, I’d better say that quietly. The software company my daughter works for is also F1 mad. It is a recent sponsor of the McLaren team. She’s been in her room all week – probably writing software for the planned victory celebrations. Won’t need that now, darling. So I’ll whisper it. Ferrari, yay.
F1 fuels thoughts on rising price to fill tank
Unlike some, I’ve never been a massive fan of F1 but I follow the big events. Racing drivers don’t have to pay for fuel. That’s down to the teams they drive for. Lucky them. In the last while, when I go and pay for a tankful of fuel, I get that sickly feeling, sweaty hands and a headache. I think I may have that carowner virus.
Which is why so many people are looking for alternative ways to save fuel. There’s a heatwave coming, forecasters say. Get a bike, I say. I saw some twit in a supermarket car-park in Manchester pouring cooking oil into his petrol tank. That’s not gonna work, mate. Cousin Calum will tell you it may work in a diesel engine for a wee while but cooking oil has high viscosity. Like you, it’s very thick. By the time your Fiesta engine conks out, you’ll have damaged it so much, you’ll be seriously out of pocket.
Now news just in. Engineers say they have successfully developed a prototype car that can run on a very specific type of vegetable oil. Not sunflower oil or olive oil, but one that’s made from parsley. Now they’re hoping to make buses that run on thyme.
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
