The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Moray Barber, Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel, Greg Gordon and John Hardie.
View from the Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander
It’s been an environmental wik in the village. You micht hae seen the prime minister’s had his big hoose covered wi’ black drapes by Greenpeace efter announcing a hunner new oil and gas licenses, at the same time as the world’s officially sterting tae bile and bits o’ Greece is spontaneously combusting.
It is nae much o’ a punishment though, is it? Seeing as it’ll jist keep his hoose nice and cool as temperatures rise. I dae the same thing wi’ a tarp ower the byre faniver we hae a really sunny day. July 23, 1976, I think it wis.
But Rishi’s nae the only politician wi’ hoose trouble. Boris Johnson’s plans for a new ootdoor sweeming pool is being held up ‘cos the massive gairden o’ the property that he’s recently bought wi’ the proceeds o’ spikin nonsense tae Americans is hame tae a protected species o’ great crested newt.
But these twa antagonists hiv history, wid ye believe? Boris moaned in the past aboot “newt-counting” causing delays tae the building o’ new hames. I dinna think it got much coverage at the time, on account o’ it being jist anither example o’ the sort o’ ill-informed keich he wiz ayewiz coming oot wi’. But it seems the newts hiv been biding their time and are noo haein’ their revenge.
It is a fascinating David and Goliath story. On the one side, ye hiv a secretive, slimy pest. And, on the ither een, ye’ve got some newts.
But, onywye, as the newts are a “protected species”, onyb’dy fa is found guilty o’ disturbing them will get an unlimited fine or up tae six months in prison. So, here’s hoping Boris’ll soon be discovered efter dark, decked oot in een o’ that hard hats he wiz ayewiz popping on, caught reed-handed, howking awa at them wi’ a shovel.
Mind you, at wiznae the only aminal story this wik. A zoo in China hid tae deny that it wiz employing fowk dressed up in bear costumes, due tae a video daein the rounds fit showed een o’ their sun bears standing upright and gi’en folk fit looked like a cheery wave.
I hiv tae say, the video did gie me pause. The bear diz hae the belligerent stance and saggy backside typical o’ the mannies fa prop up the bar in the village pub, and naeb’dy’s seen Haldie Winton since last Widnsday.
Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose feminist credentials is beyond reproof
The football season is getting closerer and closerer, and the Dons continued their perspirations with a 3-2 friendly win against Charlton in that London last weekend. I travelled down to the Big Smock with Basher Greig and Dunter Duncan, and we had a cracking time.
Basher Greig says that AFC pre-season was a bit like Ben-Hur. Dunter says to him, he says: “How come?” and Basher says: “Because they’ve been played by Charlton and Preston.” Then we all had a good laugh. Though I still don’t know why.
Whilst we wait for this weekend’s curtain-twitcher away to Livvy, Old Kenny has been taking in some more women’s sports what has been shown on the telly. The World Cup is on, and England’s Lionesseses has done what Germany couldn’t not do and made it into the knockout stages. They square up to Nigeria on Monday, and I will be cheering them on hoping they make it to the quarter finals. Aye, Nigeria that is!
My Melody has been watching the Netball World Cup and, in for a pound, in for a penny, I’ve been watching it with her. Netball is a bit like basketball, but the players is all women and there’s no drivelling. And it’s also a bit like football, because England is better than Scotland and have made it to the semi-finals.
It’ll be a busy few days of cheering for Old Kenny. Cheering for the Dons against Livvy on Saturday, and cheering for whoever is sticking England in the football and netball!
Melody, she turned around to me and says, she says, it’s not right that I support anyone but the Lionesses, and I only does it out of prejudice. I says to her, I says: “You could not be more wronger! It’s because I is not prejudiced that I treat the England women exactly the same as I’d treat the men’s team. Anything else would be monogamy.”
The Flying Pigs
On a final note, we’d like to add our voices to the tributes to Robbie Shepherd, who sadly died this week. A talented broadcaster, a champion of the Doric tongue and a dear friend to us.
In the words of the great man: “See ye neist wik.”
