Daftest story of the week is that a zoo in China is denying claims that some of its bears are just humans in costumes.
A video of a sun bear looking for food from visitors caught everyone’s attention because it seems to be too wrinkly and crumpled above its hindquarters – just as a badly-fitting pair of corduroy breeks with an overstretched jumper have often looked on me.
The rear view of the sun bear looks like an unmade bed and its hand movements look very human, but that head is too realistic to be a mask. The giveaway is how the bear sits down to have its snack. It slides its legs under itself in a way we cannot do without being referred to the orthopaedic department afterwards.
Its paws and the movement of its arms, however, catch treats like I do when Mrs X chucks me a can of Irish black gold on a Saturday night. I’m convinced she shakes it beforehand.
Ever the trendsetter, I now adore a new kind of well-known stout. That’s a reference to a drink, not to myself. When another journo of this parish dragged me into the Criterion Bar the other week, I was introduced to this latest sensation. I’ve been swigging Guinness for, well, a long time but, as I was driving, I’d have a Coke. Instead, I got presented with a canister of that famed Dublin thirst quencher.
OK, I’ll have a wee taste. Aaaaah, I slurped, licking my frothy top lip. It had that kick in the back of the throat like proper beers and stouts used to have. This was actually better than the Guinness I had at Christmas.
I looked at the can. No alcohol. I nearly fell over. Not because of the effect of the drink, but from the shock that anyone had produced a zero-alcohol bevvy that tasted better than the full-fat, full-alcohol, forget-the-flipping-diet original.
It comes in draft or cans, like proper beers. Sales of 0.0 are booming and, according to Guinness, soon one in 10 pints sold will be alcohol-free and, therefore, hangover-free. Yippee.
When I was younger, I think the only low-alcohol beer you could buy was Kaliber lager. It had all the flavour of an old ash bucket, and that bitter aftertaste had distinct hints of diesel from the southern slopes of the glen with faint notes of burnt toast from the dustbin.
This is a revelation. I think most people would be able to drink Guinness 0.0 all night, no bother at all. And it wouldn’t matter if you were working the next day. Like full strength, it does fill your bladder, though.
Pub sales of low and no-alcohol beers jumped 23% during the past year compared with the previous 12 months, and more than doubled since 2019. Guinness now owns Kaliber, which may have been how they got the brilliant idea that existing hangover-free brews needed tweaking.
Chicken Day with a twist
My own father once had the brilliant idea to work in a quarry at Elphin, north of Ullapool. He told us people in that wee village were the warmest and kindest. They probably are the wittiest as well. For 12 years, locals have paraded their chooks on a special day each year and it has been a great fundraiser for the village hall.
Instead of a parade, they are going to have egg competitions, races with people dressed as chickens and clucking, and even the best photos and drawings of chickens
They are soon to hold this year’s annual Chicken Day. Lingering fears over bird flu, however, mean they can’t do anything involving poultry just now. What to do? The witty locals of Elphin, Knockan and Ledmore – better known for its junction in traffic and weather reports – have come up with a clever plan.
Instead of a parade, they are going to have egg competitions, races with people dressed as chickens and clucking, and even the best photos and drawings of chickens. I think a best-decorated chicken cage contest is also planned. The main race will be for cocks and hens, with another two races for youngsters also planned.
Organisers say owners of pretty poultry and cocky cockerels will be able to enter their real-life chickens via a photo gallery. It all clucks off at Elphin Community Hall on September 16.
Forget the NC500. Elphin Chicken Day is where it's at…. pic.twitter.com/NdSH8Q9t7y
— Lochs Stiles (@LakesStiles) September 8, 2022
Sad news just in. They have been very busy in Dublin making 0.0 Guinness.
The wife of one of the workers answered the door to a pal of her husband who worked there. She said: “What’s wrong, Conor?” He said it was about Paddy, her husband. “I’m sorry, but Paddy fell into a vat and drowned.”
She was in shock. “Oh, Conor, tell me that he went quickly.” Conor looked very sad and said: “Well, not really. He got out twice to go to the toilet.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
