You might think you’re in the wrong place if you hear a roar of laughter coming from outside the room.
It’s not what you expect to hear from a group of people who have lost loved ones in some of the most traumatic circumstances imaginable.
Or from people who are battling suicidal thoughts.
But at the James Support Group in the Highlands, it’s all part of the process.
The group was co-founded by husband and wife Patrick and Wendy Mullery in 2018.
“It can be heavy,” said Patrick. “Sometimes it can be really hard-going.
“But we have a cry, and we have a laugh.
“If you walked past the room we have our meeting in, you’d probably think ‘that can’t seriously be a bereavement support group for people killed by suicide? They’re all having a laugh!'”
Support group came out of heartbreak
It isn’t always like that, of course.
Sometimes the mood is incredibly sombre.
Patrick and Wendy decided to create the group on the back of suffering through their own trauma.
In October 2017, just 10 weeks after becoming a father for the third time, their son James took his own life.
He was 28.
One day he was full of life and humour, comically winding up his family as he regularly did.
The next he was gone. Leaving behind his wife Jodie, three young sons and countless other friends and family that loved him.
Patrick said: “James was a life and soul of the party type person. But we don’t know what was going through his mind.
“We saw him that day and he was happy, his normal self. As he drove away that afternoon, I remember saying to his nan ‘isn’t it great to see James on such great form?’
“Literally three or four hours later he took his own life.”
Regular meetings throughout the Highlands
For his parents, much of the aftermath is a blur.
Suddenly, the focus shifted to making sure their grandchildren would be OK.
After powering through the initial shock on auto-pilot, Patrick says he can barely remember anything from the two weeks that followed.
Wendy suffered a breakdown in 2021 that she attributes to not letting herself properly grieve at the time.
The couple, who live in Cromarty, sought support wherever they could find it but were left feeling like they had nowhere to turn to.
A lack of available services in the Highlands prompted them to try to fill the void themselves and the James Support Group was born.
From its early beginning as a single meeting in Inverness, the group has steadily grown into one that now supports people from all over the north.
It became a registered charity in 2020 and now hosts meetings in places like Elgin, Dingwall, Aviemore, Invergordon and Grantown.
‘A permanent solution to a temporary problem’
The hurt and the wondering why hasn’t gone away.
And the passage of time hasn’t delivered any more answers to Patrick and Wendy about James’s death.
But sharing their sorrow with people who have been through similar heartbreak has helped.
Wendy said: “When I hear other mums describing their sons, they often sound like fun-loving, outgoing, charismatic types.
“I’ve heard a lot from other mums I’ve spoken to in the group. It’s like we are describing each other’s sons.
“It’s an awful thing to go through and my heart goes out to anyone who has to face this.”
Testimonials from people who have attended the James Support Group have endorsed talking about the problems they’re facing as a way of managing them.
It’s a safe space with no judgment, with other people who can understand what you’re going through.
Patrick said: “What I always say to people who are struggling is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
“The act takes the pain away for that person. But it transfers that pain to everyone who knows and loves them.
“Talking is so important. There’s always someone else who’s been in your situation.
How to get help
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.
Each year, its aim is to focus attention on the issue, reduce stigma and raise awareness.
Its singular message is that suicides are preventable.
Recently published figures showed that there were 42 probable suicide deaths in the Highlands in 2022.
There were 40 in 2021 and 44 in 2020.
The standard rate in the Highlands between 2018 and 2022 was higher than the national average for both males and female.
It is so important that if you are having thoughts of suicide, you reach out to someone.
The James Support Group can be reached 24 hours a day, seven days a week on 07563 572 471.
You can also reach out to the group on Facebook or by email.
The James Support Group is now working with students after being adopted by the University of the Highlands and Islands Inverness to try to help anyone who needs it.
There are also a number of other local and national groups offering support in time of crisis or mental distress.
If you are concerned about someone else don’t be afraid to ask, “are you OK?” and help them to get help.
- Mikeysline – 07786 207755 (Sunday to Thursday 6pm – 10pm, Friday to Saturday 7pm – 7am)
- Samaritans – 116 123 (calls are free and do not show on a phone bill)
- Breathing Space – 0800 83 85 87 (Monday to Thursday 6pm – 2am; Friday 6pm to Monday 6am)
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