Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner. Facebook Messenger An icon of the facebook messenger app logo. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Facebook Messenger An icon of the Twitter app logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. WhatsApp Messenger An icon of the Whatsapp messenger app logo. Email An icon of an mail envelope. Copy link A decentered black square over a white square.

The Flying Pigs: Nae matter foo much Jimmy looked he couldnae see Ibiza on the approved list

Amadeus nightclub in Aberdeen.
Amadeus nightclub in Aberdeen.

Jimmy Hollywood, Sandilands’ Most Eligible Postie

Jimmy works hard for a living, oot delivering yer mail come rain or come shine. Maistly rain. So fan summer rolls aroon he is in dire need o’ his annual 10 days (and mair importantly nichts) o’ partying in Ibiza. Fit wi’…athin’ Jimmy had pretty much written aff the boozefest and love-in that those hedonistic few days entails for this year – only tae be given a glimmer o’ hope fae Boris and his rag tag bag o’ misfits in the Cabinet a couple o’ wiks ago.

The Flying Pigs

They says that they were opening up ‘air corridors’ tae foreign places tae allow us tae ging on wir hollibobs wi’ oot having tae be quarantined for the hale time fan we get there. I didnae like the sound o’ quarantine one wee bit. It sounds affa like the time I got blootered on rum and cokes in the bar at Glasgow Airport afore departure, and couldnae leave my Magaluf hotel room (and mair specifically, the cludgie) for a fortnight.

Onywye, on the back o’ the government’s guidance Jimmy got the budgie smugglers and face mask looked oot in the anticipation he’d get awa for some Covid-free shenanigans after a’. But nae maitter foo much Jimmy looked he couldnae see Ibiza on the Scottish Government’s approved list. And nae just Ibiza, a load of countries didn’t mak it an’ a’ – Majorca, Menorca, and even Spain!

According tae the website, ye can get tae blimmin’ Antigua or San Marino nae hass but ye canna ging clubbing in Amnesia in San Antonio. I mean, I’m sure the Vatican City is very nice tae visit but I doot there’s muckle opportunity for duncing tae The Shamen and copping aff wi’ a lassie fa looks like she is a free spirit but turns oot tae be a Hooray Henrietta fae Walton-On-The-Naze. Nicola Sturgeon his fairly pooped my foam party wi’ yon.

So, instead o’ pulling some shapes in Pacha this summer, mebbe Jimmy will hiv tae mak dae wi’ reminiscing aboot nichts oot in Amadeus. Mind you, I pulled quite a few shapes in Amadeus ower the years and thanks tae Greig Easton and Northsoond’s retro night at the wikend, I was tae’en right back there, nae mistake.

There wiz a lot o’ pulling went on in Amadeus (and in the free bus on the wye there) back in the day and nae only in the traditional sense o’ the word. I eence pulled mysel a pint in the Gothic Bar fan a fight broke oot and neen o’ the staff were looking, and I pulled a hamstring fan I took a heider aff the duncing podium during a particularly energetic rendition o’ ‘It’s Raining Men’. Simpler times.

View from the Midden; rural affairs with Jock Alexander

It’s been an alfresco wik in the village. Noo the country is making cautious steps oot o’ full lockdown, ab’dy is nervously watching fit happens doon sooth in case they mak an erse o’ it and we end up in the same boat in a fortnight’s time. But files English fowk hiv returned tae the pubs wi’ such enthusiasm that they’ve hid tae close some o’ them again, up here we are noo allowed beer gairdens ootside. Noo this is a challenging concept in the Arctic wastes o’ the north-east even at the best o’ times, and not een we’ve iver hid in the village afore.

In the vibrant metropolis o’ Aiberdeen, they are nithin’ new. I hiv heard triumphant tales o’ folk managing tae bag een o’ the twa tables ootside Archibald Simpsons, or living the high life haein a windswept fag on the roof o’ Ma Camerons. But noo Aiberdeen is gaan big on ootdoor drinking combined wi’ social distancing by turning their bus lanes intae pavements and pavements intae pubs. They’ve even closed doon some roads tae accommodate it, which is good news for ab’dy fa wints tae get steaming in toon but bad news for onyb’dy fa wints tae turn right on to Bon Accord Street.

Here in Meikle Wartle, we looked on wi’ envy at the photies o’ a’ that funcy pub extension marquees, and decided tae go wirsels. So we hiv taken the bull by the horns, and then used it tae chase aff onyb’dy still hanging aboot the village square, fit we have now transformed intae a vast beer gairden. Weel, beer park onywye.

The initial plan wiz tae pack hunners o’ picnic tables in, but Feel Moira couldnae carry that mony a’ the wye fae Inverurie Gairden Centre. In the dark. So instead we’ve made a set of sturdy easy-to-wipe tables by turning Hardie Winton’s cattle feeding troughs upside doon.

Of course we still hiv tae tae deal wi’ fit the chair o’ the Police Federation in England pointed oot the ither day – that intoxicated patrons are incapable of social distancing. But files that may create problems on the streets o’ Soho, here in the village we hae something they dinna hae – a hazmat-suited Skittery Wullie wi’ a cattle prod. Cheerio!

Watch performances by the cast on The Flying Pigs YouTube channel.