When I got the late invitation from Number 10 to a “do” in the cathedral and drinky-poos in the rose garden, I didn’t think anything of it.
Not worth going all that way for a sermon and prosecco. I can do that any time here in Stornoway, but without the plonk on the lawn.
So I thanked him kindly and just wrote: “Sorry, Boris. Still busy here keeping this island Covid-free. Mrs X insists on no close-in snogging. That’s not a Covid thing – she’s been saying it to me for nearly 25 years. Maybe next time, B.”
I had absolutely no idea Boris was planning on getting hitched to Carrie or anything like that. I wouldn’t have told anyone. I would probably have mentioned it here in the column, but I wouldn’t have told anyone.
Sometimes marriage means letting go
Now Boris has asked me for advice on what to do to make sure they get on together in the long-term. Well, it’s like this. You have to let go of some things that you have always held dear. For instance, yesterday, Mrs X made pancakes. She made a good job of them, surprisingly.
So I said they reminded me of my mother’s. She went all soppy. She said: “Aw, do you know something? That’s the first time you have compared anything I have done to your mother’s.”
I replied: “Well, that’s because this is the first time you’ve come close.”
She would have hit me but Nicola then announced the islands were going to Level 0. Yippee. Angry to happy in two seconds. She put down the frying pan. We are hygienic people here, not like these mainlanders.
Do we need another huge yacht?
I hope Boris will take it the right way when I say I ain’t impressed with his plans for a new national flagship. It’s just like former royal yacht Britannia. That was the royals’ ferry from 1953 to 1997. Britannia was actually designed by Prince Philip. With its slope towards the stern, it’s also going to look like the Ullapool to Stornoway ferry, Loch Seaforth – when it’s in working order.
It will be multipurpose, coming into service in 2025, the government claims. It is to be used by the royals and the prime minister of the day – so it’s going to be a life on the ocean wave for now Chancellor Rishi Sunak.
Hey CalMac, here’s an idea. If you are really stuck, you could maybe get royal assent to bring the royal yacht Britannia into service
Also on board could be diplomats and trade delegations showcasing British exports and making the most of trading opportunities.
All because the food miles and deathly planet pollution we will be forced to cope with because of Brexit will be staggering. Still, it was the whole of Aberdeenshire which wanted this coming fiasco so it’s all your fault over there. Nothing to do with us Hebrideans. Fit like, ye loons ye.
Britannia could be repurposed as a ferry
The thought of British trade being promoted all round the world by a flagship based on designs by the late Duke of Edinburgh and the beleaguered west coast ferries owner Caledonian Maritime Assets Ltd shivers my timbers.
Ach, it’ll never be reliable. It’ll be the standby ferry for the Castlebay to Oban route before you know it. Can’t do much worse than the rickety old MV Isle of Lewis, that’s for sure.
Mind you, the old HMY Britannia is still tied up for people to gawp at on Ocean Terminal in Leith. Hey CalMac, here’s an idea. If you are really stuck, you could maybe get royal assent to bring it into service as you do not seem to have done anything useful about putting any other reliable vessels on any of our island routes.
Britannia is 68 years old? So what? It’s got gold-plated toilet fittings. I would pay extra to be sick in that.
Some advice from the experts
Giving Boris advice for a long and happy married life has really got me thinking. Is there anything else I should be saying to him? I wasn’t sure, so I phoned Murdo who got married a few years ago.
“Any advice for Boris, Murd?”
His advice was to get the family planning right.
Murdo explained: “The doctor told me I could have that wee procedure that men get when they don’t want to have children. I told him I wanted that right away. It didn’t work though. When I got home, they were still there.”
