The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse, but I am richt glad that the kids is back tae the school. I mean, OK, mines dinna actually ging in the building. They’ll be mooching roon aboot it, or trying tae set fire tae it. But they is oot of my hair, is my point.
And jist as weel, seeing as I’ve pulled maist o’ it oot trying tae keep them distracted for the last siven wiks. It is a blessed relief that they’re noo awa making some ither wifie’s life a misery. It’s fit they cry a win-win scenario: I get peace, and the hale City Schools’ Attendance and Welfare Team get their budget justified for anither year.
Mind you, I canna be daein wi’ this modern trend o’ snapping a photie o’ yer wee darlings on the doorstep afore they head aff and sticking it up on Facebook. “Obligatory first day back pic!” They say. I dinna ken fit “obligatory” means, but I ‘hink it must be “unrealistic” – unless it shows someb’dy screaming: “Pit yer shoes on” at a kid on an iPad.
To tell the truth, I dinna wint tae deal wi’ my ain bairns afore I’ve had ma morning coffee (preferably wi’ a sambuca chaser) so fit wye wid I wint tae see a load o’ ither folks’?
Mind you, yon picters is useful. A careful study o’ the front doors ahind the young eens diz let ye work oot fowk’s addresses, far naebdy is likely to be hame during the school run. Real handy for the kind o’ fowk fa ging aboot trying door handles. Nae that I wid ken onything aboot that, like.
So, the kids is awa, but things has still gan a’ tae skite. And I mispelt that last word on purpose, ken fit I mean? Cos this wik and next, the bin men are on strike.
I am, of course, in support o’ a those daein nae work whilst demanding fair treatment. In fact, that is very much my ain raisin detriment. So, tae emphasise for my neighbours the importance o’ refuse collectors, I am daein my bit by making my front gairden an even bigger midden than usual. And tae onyb’dy fa thinks my show o’ solidarity is pure performance, I can assure youse, inside my hoose is a tip an’ a’.
Oily fish is good for ye and my weekly huddock supper is aboot as oily as it gets
But at least we winna hae litter fae the chipper tae mak it ony worse. Cos fish and chip shops is going oot o’ business nae handy. And it’s nae through overfishing, it’s cos of the spiralling cost o’ hot fat.
Noo, at is nae asseptible, at. Oily fish is good for ye and my weekly huddock supper is aboot as oily as it gets. I mean, I could try frying my ain fish at hame, but I dinna ken nithin aboot hot fat.
I asked my pal Big Sonya, but she didna hae a clue, though she did thank me for coming up wi’ the perfect phrase for her Tinder profile.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in hard early doors
On Wednesday night, Old Kenny was watching the football from behind the sofa. I wasn’t frightened – it was the only place I could get comfy after I’d raxxed my back demonising bicycle kicks to my loon, Zander.
I was trying to show him the one what Marco van Basten did for Ajax, but I landed on my coxes orange. So, he never seen an “Ajax van Basten”, but he did hear something very similar.
Anyway, it was grim viewing, watching The Rangers beat RSVP Eindhoven and qualify for the Champions League.
Every time The Rangers or Celtic do something good in Europe, I really do want to cheer them on and celebrate their success – but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
The truth is, I was as happy as Larry when The Rangers lost to Frankenfurter in the Europa League final last season. (Larry is my German neighbour – as a hot dog sausage his self, he was delighted.)
Larry says to me, he says, I had a bit of “schadenfreude”. I don’t not know what that means, but I did enjoy seeing The Rangers lose.
And, now, both of them has got big European Nights ahead against the likes of Liverpool, Real Madrid and RSPB Lipsync, alongside a huge cash windmill from the TV money. The problem is, this is what makes it even harder for the smaller clubs in Scotland to break their ankle hold at the top of the league.
Tilda Swinton is unlikely to want to buy the Dons
It’s got me wishing that the Dandies got a bit of a Hollywood storyline, like Wrexham getting bought over by movie star Ryan Reynolds.
Zander was telling me that there is an Oscar-winning actress called Tilda Swinton who lives in Nairn. I had to explain to him that she’s unlikely to want to buy the Dons. Obviously, she’ll be a Nairn County fan.
- See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24
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