The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
View From The Midden, with Jock Alexander of MTV
It’s been a pecuniary wik in the village. Some wid even say a fiscally recalcitrant een. Nae me though, cos I dinna ken fit it means.
Fa wid hiv thocht that efter Brexit, the pandemic and war in Europe, the thing that actually feenished us aff wid be twa wiks o’ Liz Truss? She’s fairly “hit the ground” his she? In much the same wye as the asteroid fit wiped oot the dinosaurs.
I did find myself wondering fa would win the 2023 Conservative leadership contest, noo that it’s inevitable. Given the quality of the last few they’ve hid, Skittery Wullie has a pig he quite fancies. But that’s nithin new.
In common wi’ mony folk oot here in i sticks, I am nae hugely up on the hale financial rigmarole. The only gilt I ken about is fit I feel as I deliver my coos tae the cheery mannie at the slaughterhoose, and I widna ken a quantitive easing if I found it in ma skirlie.
Neen o’ us trust the bunks as it is, and prefer tae pit oor hard-earned wealth into that traditional investment product, the biscuit tin.
But, from fit I hiv gleaned fae studying the mony news stories, efter the new chancellor announced plans tae cut taxes and borrow mair money, athin’ financially-spikkin has gone clean’ tae skite, even quicker than my Daisy fan she had yon bad case o’ BVD, and the pound has collapsed faster than I did efter een o’ Feel Moira’s nettle and diesel piña coladas.
Daein fit they did has panicked “the market”. I’ve been at Thainstone fan the market has panicked and there’s beasts stampeding. It’s nae fine.
In this case, the market his responded by deciding the UK economy is a busted flush and trying tae get the hell oot afore the hale thing collapses.
Fit seems tae hiv pit them ower the edge wis the abolition o’ the top rate o’ tax, effectively a £45 billion handoot tae the richest 1%. But, if ‘at disnae include you, dinna feel ower hard done by. Thanks tae rampant inflation and the drop in sterling, £45 billion’s nae really worth getting onymair.
Truss his been on the wireless defending it a’. Apparently they did it cos “it’s not fair” to hiv a recession. Weel, mony things are nae fair. Mrs Bean somehow being in charge o’ the country being very much een o them.
We hiv abandoned the pound sterling in favour o’ wir ain currency: neeps and tatties
She also said it wis necessary tae “get the economy moving”. Weel, she’s fairly managed that. In fact, momentum is building. It’s just direction o’ travel we need tae sort oot.
Which is confusing me, as I thocht money wiz a’ made up onywye. I mean, it’s jist bitties o’ paper and metal that ye end up heain tae wear fan yer gas and electricity gets cut aff, is it?
So, onywye, there’s a lot of affa complimicated explanations about fit it a’ means, but a’ that really meters is fit’s tae be daen?
Weel, here in the village we hiv a solution. We hiv abandoned the pound sterling in favour o’ wir ain currency: neeps and tatties.
Wi’ a simple exchange rate o’ a pucklie tatties to the neep, it his a number o’ advantages ower the pound. It may not grow on trees, but ye can lift it oot the grun. There’s aye a spike in the value o’ the neep aroon about Halloween and Burns Night.
And, best of a’, fan times is tough, ye can eat the contents o’ yer wallet. I dinna funcy chappit pound coins for ma dinner, dae you?
Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s cock-a-hoop!
We’ll be coming! We’ll be coming! We’ll be coming down the road!
Please forgive me – Old Kenny still hasn’t come down from cloud 99 after Scotland’s footballing heroics over the last few days. What a team!
After cuffing Ukraine 3-0 and Ireland 2-1 at Hampden, the Scots absolutely gubbed Ukraine 0-0 in Poland to secure top spot in our group, promotion to the top tier, and a play-off spot for Euro 2024, even if we don’t qualify instomatically.
Don’t get me wrong, all that is amazing, but it pales in compression to the best bit. With England and Wales both getting regulated down to the second tier, Scotland is currently the king of the castle, and the rest of the home nations is the dirty rascals.
A lot of the Tartan Army was spectacle when Uefa introduced the Nations League, but there surely cannot be no doubting that it’s not a bad thing now. Although, maybe we won’t be saying that next time around, when we’re getting spanked 5-0 by Portugal, Italy and Germany.
- Written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie
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