Twice in the last few weeks, on these Sunday morning shows, they have messed it up. It’s a scone – pronounced sconn.
Why do so many so-called chefs and bakers still blabber on about making scones with cream and jam and then announce: “Or maybe it’s pronounced scoan?” No, it isn’t.
That floury delight, lovingly created by adding butter, sugar and milk, has been confirmed by language experts – including the late Queen. Why do you still doubt it? Scoan sounds so silly.
In the mood for nitpicking, I think it’s just as silly that historians and newspeople who misdescribe the historic Stone of Destiny. Also known as the Stone of Scone – pronounced Scoon – it too isn’t said as it is spelled – like Milngavie.
They sound daft when they can’t be bothered to do the research. It isn’t a matter of opinion. They are just wrong. I remember my granny saying those Sassenachs often got a scone wrong. It’s been going on since way back.
There are times when the old ways from way back are better. For instance, few people have a road map on the back seat of the car anymore. Well, you don’t need it when you have a satnav.
However, when tourists arrive here, they want to know where the attractions are and what they look like. That is why the tourist office gives out these handy maps of the isles with photos, so they can see where the Callanish Stones are, and what they look like, and they can see how dizzyingly high the Butt of Lewis lighthouse is. Thirty-seven metres, actually. The satnav can’t show you that.
So, it is just such a low-technology solution that the Stornoway Co-op supermarket decided on to help customers find things to buy during their renovations. I got myself into a pickle there. Whole aisles have been moved to make way for the workmen. It was really confusing. I only needed a jar of curry sauce, rice and – of course, because I was making a British ruby – carrots and peas. I love traditional Asian fare, but I also like the adapted British versions. Carrots, peas, yum.
Where I’d normally find my ingredients there were loud workmen in hard hats. When I asked for help from a passing member of staff, he said: “Ah, you need one of these.” He handed me a map of the aisles. It’s so detailed. It shows chilled fruit and veg, and where the “ambient” ones are. Shame the writing was too small for most people. It did help, though – a lot.
Get a grip and turn up for your jab
It’d also help a lot if the dozy people on this island would put a knot in their handkerchiefs or something to remind themselves to go for their jabs. It was shocking to see the NHS say that 80 numpties with appointments had failed to turn up for their vaccinations the week before last. They won’t say it, but I will. You dunderheads are wasting a lot of busy professionals’ valuable time. If you can’t make it, phone to tell them. Covid and the flu are still around. Don’t waste people’s time or jeopardise your own health. Get a grip.
Someone else who may be losing his grip is Stornoway’s creative yard sale entrepreneur, Simon Dunne. His colourful sales banter I have mentioned before. Simon, whose catchphrase is “we’ve got stuff for all budgets – from skinted to minted” has some novel stuff in just now. I saw he had one item which seemed to me like two wicker baskets with one upturned on the other. Simon sees it differently.
His blurb says: “I paid a lot of money for this at an antiques fair from a gentleman who told me that it’s the wicker motorcycle helmet worn by Queen Victoria herself when she entered the Guinness Book of Records for being the oldest monarch to jump over three double-decker buses on a motorbike. Naturally, I’ll have to charge a premium for this item with that sort of provenance.”
No one believes a word of Simon’s banter, but they still go along to see what other goodies, and wisecracks, they may encounter. As Simon would say: “Hurry up. When it’s gone, it’s gone.”
Other businesspeople seem to have the notion that “when I’m gone, I’m gone.” I remember going one night to a 24-hour convenience shop in Glasgow. When I got there, the shopkeeper was locking the door. I said: “The sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said: “Ah, yes, but not in a row.” What? But… No point in arguing with the fellow. I still wouldn’t get any scones.
Now, what’s the difference between rockets and an empty plate at my house? One has nose cones and the other has no scones.
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides