The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and Greg Gordon.
View From The Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been a methodical wik in the village. The news fae Aiberdeen has been full o’ woe, wi mair shops shuttin’ doon and Stewartie Milne’s firm collapsing faster than the post-Considine Dons defence. There’s also Haigs Food Hall shutting its doors, and the only Post Office on Union Street winna see February.
Oot here, of course, we hiv nivver had such luxuries as Post Offices, still choosing to communicate via the traditional method of attaching messages to a cushie-doo, and nor do we have new-build hooses, unless ye count the wattle and daub lean-to that Skittery Wullie stuck onto his byre in 1973. But still I feel hairt sorry for a’ those affected.
So, in a bid tae take my mind aff a’ this unpleasantness, I hiv spent maist o my wik watching a YouTube video o’ a wee moosie tidying up a mannie’s shed, which certainly beats the hell oot of watchin the news in this day and age, and maks the world seem a better place.
This clip went viral last wik, fan the mannie in question noticed that items were mysteriously being put back far they belonged overnight. And, as ye can imagine, as an auld mannie wi a shed, he felt this wiz unnatural.
So, he set up a night-vision camera tae see fit manner o’ poltergeist wiz aboot, and ended up wi shock footage of a moosie pickin up clothes pegs, nuts and bolts, and pittin them into a wee tray.
If only the mannie had put some leather oot on his bench, it might hiv run him up a whole pile o’ wee shoes.
It is affa impressive that it diz this tidying, though they hinna established yet if the wee aminal also sings in a high-pitched voice and mends things like fit they dae in Bagpuss. Wid it put DVDs back in the correct cases, and can it wire a plug? If so, we need a breeding programme for them richt noo!
Some boffins hiv speculated that the moosie is engaging in pointless behaviour cos it finds it comforting. Fit ab’dy that sat around watching the box a’ Christmas can surely relate tae.
🐭 Rodney Holbrook set up a camera when he noticed his belongings in the garden shed kept moving, only to find out it was a little mouse helping tidy.
Full story: https://t.co/fUQqNLEqLe pic.twitter.com/QzWvkzH9aO
— Sky News (@SkyNews) January 8, 2024
So, obviously we here in the village hiv tried tae replicate this occurrence. I hiv deliberately been leaving my hoose as even mair o’ a tip than normal in the hope that some moosies will sort it.
Then, fan none appeared, I thoucht I’d up my game and see if I could train my coos tae tidy up at nicht. I can report that my belongings are no longer strewn a’wye, though they’ve nae been too much tidied awa as trampled tae oblivion.
On the bright side, though, my maneer supply is sorted for years. Cheerio!
J Fergus Lamont, arts correspondent and author of The Elgin Marbles – The Definitive Guide to Children’s Games in Moray
A New Year always fills one with excitement and anticipation at the veritable smorgasbord of creative sustenance that awaits this humble arts correspondent. And, for once, good old Auntie Beeb has stepped up to the plate and served us up a banquet of televisual delights!
First up is an arthouse murder-mystery drama series daubed “The Traitors” (you won’t have heard of it – it has received little in the way of publicity). Unlike the now tired whodunnit format, the show nods heavily towards Brechtian epic theatre.
The audience knows the identities of the killers and sits rapt, popcorn frozen in its progress towards our open mouths, as we watch them eliminate their prey, all interspersed with energetic group tasks, sotto voce musings, and hubristic pronouncements.
The narrative is beautifully painted by the enigmatic Claudia: a latter-day Artemis who peers out from under her fringe, sometimes hushed, sometimes stentorian, using montage as her palette and cliffhanger endings as her canvas. The discerning viewer will find this piece a true diamond in the rough!
This weekend sees another tantalising BBC dramatic offering: “The Gladiators”. (Again, this under-the-radar production will have escaped the attention of the casual watcher.)
I have only seen a trailer, but it appears to be a modern dystopian take on the barbaric entertainment era in Ancient Rome, where unfortunate civilians are sent to battle the Gladiators – finely tuned killing machines – all in the name of audience satisfaction.
The juxtaposition between the centuries couldn’t be more striking: leather breastplates replaced with skintight Lycra; swords replaced with what looks like a giant cotton bud, and the Colosseum replaced by the Sheffield Arena.
Even the Gladiators’ names have a modern twist. Out with the infamous Commodus, Spartacus and Flamma, and in with 21st century terrors like “Bionic”, “Spiralizer” and “Smashburger”.
The show airs this Saturday for the first time, and I, for one, will be glued to the goggle-box, ready to hold my thumb aloft. Are you not entertained?
Conversation