The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
View from the Midden with Jock Alexander of MTV (MeikleWartle Television)
It’s been a lunar wik in the village. In common wi’ mony folk around the world, we wis a’ gaithered ootside efter midnight gazing up at the sky. Partly so we could a’ look at the “Blue Supermoon”, but also ‘cos a stray fag had ignited the smoking sheddie aside the village pub, and ab’dy rushed tae get a free heat.
The Blue Supermoon is a rare sicht that has nae been witnessed since 2009 and winna be seen again till 2037. A bit like Skittery Wullie haein a bath. Baith unprecedented events fit evoke a sense o’ awe, and can mak yer een watter if ye stare too lang.
I da ken if I seen the last Blue Supermoon masel, but that’s nae surprising as I canna mind fit I hid for my breakfast. But this een wiz affa impressive, as it wiz 15% bigger and 30% brighter than normal. This is because the moon gings roond the earth on an orbit fit occasionally taks it much closer tae us. Astronomers talk aboot this orbit using funcy terms like “perigee” and “apogee”, but I wid just cry it “ginkit”.
Meikle Wartle is a fine area for the study o’ astrophenominal objects like ‘is, ye ken? Ye get a fine clear view o’ the starry skies, seen as how we dinna hae ony licht pollution. This is cos a’ wir lamposts wint oot during the Winter o’ Discontent, and the cooncil hinna let naeb’dy come oot tae fix them. Nae efter that unfortunate incident wi’ the chiel fae the Inland Revenue and the Wicker Man.
Onywye, Feel Moira wiz in a state o’ high excitement about the Blue Moon as she is a massive fan o’ Elvis and hid convinced hersel that it signified his second coming. So much so that she turned up dressed in a specially rented jumpsuit, and hid renounced her usual heidscarf in favour o’ an attempt at a quiff, held aloft wi Swarfega and, gaan by the smell, dubs.
She wiznae too happy that the King failed tae materialise. And the jumpsuit didnae dae her ony favours neither, cos it wisna fit ye wid cry a flattering fit. But it wiz strangely appropriate – as she stood there a’ bursting oot her claws, hair sticking oot at funny angles, squinting up at the nicht sky and muttering incoherently, she fair minded me on Patrick Moore.
Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s came back down to earth with a blimp
Football can be a cruel game. Pittodrie was packed to the grafters on Thursday night to cheer on the Dandies in their second leg against Hacket, but the Red Army went home with the bittersweet taste of defeat in their mouths – if they hadn’t not lost all sensation from a scalding half-time Bovril.
To be honest, the Dons was the artichokes of their own demise. Robbo had went for the juggler with an attacking line-up, and the Reds had a heap of chances, but they just couldn’t stick the ball into the bunion bag.
The Neeps’ tricky winger Sonique scored a couple of worldies and it looked like it was done and dustbinned. There was a glamour of hope when big Bojan stuck away a penalty, but when the Neeps scored their own pen, the fat lady was singing the writing on the wall.
Dunter Duncan wasn’t meant to be at the match seeing as Mrs Dunter won’t not let him out of her sight after what went on at the away leg. They say what stays on tour goes on tour, but it turns out that doesn’t not apply when it’s screengrabbed off Red TV.
But he managed to swing it by saying he was taking her out for a bite to eat somewhere with a great atmosphere. And that’s how come I found myself sitting next to Mrs Dunter in the Dick Donald while she got tore in to a Pittodrie pie.
Fair play to her, Mrs Dunter had some acute observations to make on the game. She says to me, she says: “Robson’s tictacs is too attacking tonight.” But I’m glad the Dons got their teeths into them, even though we got turned over. “Nothing dentures, nothing gained”, as I always says, and at least we always had the Europa Diddy League to fall back on.
So, instead of glamour trips to Germany and Scandinavia to play Leiderhosen and Mouldy, we will have to make do with trips to Germany and Scandinavia to stick Frankenfurter and Hell’s Kitchen. Thank goodness we avoided Dutch side A to Z Alkmaar. That winger Sonique just signed for them and I’m sure he was licking his hips at the thought of doing us up like a flipper all over again!
