The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Moray Barber.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse, but I wiz amazed tae hear that Aiberdeen Christmas Village his been dubbed the fifth best in the UK.
I da ken if the judges hid ower much mulled wine, or wis hallucinating efter a dodgy sausage, but at’s quite an unexpected result, is it? If oor Christmas Village is top five, fit the hell are they like in ither toons? We beat Hyde Park’s Winter Wonderland, so at’s one in the eye tae the London elite, and a massive thumbs up tae Codona’s Broad Street outreach centre.
It turns oot the judges used various criteria tae rank a’ the Christmas villages, and we scored big cos of oor enviable snowfall level. Nae surprise, ‘at, wi’ oor 2.5 days o’ sna ivery December.
Turns oot a’ ye need tae get into the top five is tae be somwye far it’s regularly caul enough for wintry conditions. Fit means it’s actually a good thing that ye canna feel yer taes efter the last dregs o’ mulled Ribena hiv been drained fae the paper cup ye’ve been desperately clinging ontae for warmth.
Judges also took longetivity into consideration. So, again, ‘at pits Aiberdeen’s Christmas Village at a distinct advantage, ‘cos it dis ging on for a helluva time. It’s mid-November and a’ready fan ye look up Broad Street, ye can see the Christmas mairket in a’ it’s glory, its entrance marked by three wise traffic cones and the festive “Road Closed” sign.
I dinna mean tae be a Grinch aboot it, but I div think it’s unasseptable fan Christmas stairts sae early. The John Lewis advert is oot, wi’ its hairtwarming tale o’ a man-eating plant fit boaks up presents onto a grateful fem’ly. Of course, it’s the message o’ the John Lewis advert fit is really important, and, if ye bide in the north-east, that message is: “Dinna forget we shut twa year ago and we’re nae coming back.”
Like a lot o’ folk, fit wi’ inflation and a’thing, I dinna ken foo I’m going tae afford Christmas ‘is year. I’m still skint fae Halloween, and then my Jayden’s firework display wiznae cheap. Especially seeing as it set fire tae next door’s backie.
It widna hae been sae bad if she hidna hid her washing on the whirly. I think she’s being chicky wi’ the compensation claim, though. ‘At joggers wis niver Balenciaga.
Struan Metcalfe, MP for Aberdeenshire North
Growing up, I was always one of the cool kids. In with the “in crowd”. The sort of chap another fellow would want to sup a can of Vimto with, or join in a game of “Who’s got the richest Daddy?”
And today, as you know, I ooze charisma. It seeps out of me, often unbidden. I cannot help but inspire others, simply by being little old me, a gentrified Daniel Craig in red corduroys, and a Barbour gilet.
And I’m much loved in the constituency, of course, where I am known for my empathy. That’s why my people often refer to me as “The Great Feel”.
Alas, since BoJo got the heave-ho, the party has got itself a new gang of cool kids who’re a bit more edgy, and uncouth
When I first went to Westminster, I was the epitome of Conservative cool. Alas, since BoJo got the heave-ho, the party has got itself a new gang of cool kids who’re a bit more edgy, and uncouth.
Yes, even Struan Montgomery Aubrey Rosalind Metcalfe the Third has had to give it up to another, wilder crazy gang. A gang of Tories who say: “I’ll match your culture war and I’ll raise you an illegal deportation scheme”, or: “I’ll see your cost of living crisis and I’ll raise your tent to the ground.”
You know who I’m jolly well talking about. Crazy young things like Lee “Angry” Anderson, Nadine “She’s no Lady” Dorries, and Cruella “You can’t sack me, I resign!” Braverman.
Don’t get me wrong: I’d love to be in their gang, and I did try to show my mettle by lying about fossil fuels and crime stats in an interview with Fiona Stalker. But, sadly, it was on Radio Scotland, so nobody heard it.
Still, even then, I knew that it wasn’t me. I’m just no good at the angry tweeting, and watching GB News gives me the total cringe. It’s like being locked in a room with all the weirdest people at work.
But, hey, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for we “caring Conservatives” – I was bally well over the moon to see the return of Super Dave to the cabinet! He’s been away on his gap seven years – somewhere in Europe, maybe? ROFL! But, now, it’s Cameron time! And we can only hope that, as a properly posh person, he’ll be a civilising influence.
Because, the truth is, like most of my parliamentary colleagues, I’m not one of these new Conservatives who attacks, demonises and blames immigrants and the poor. I’m the old-fashioned kind of Conservative who never thinks about them at all. Pip pip!