BBC news swearing: Boris and Rishi on TV more offensive than rude gestures

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.

Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent

I da ken aboot youse, but I da understand fit wye onyb’dy wiz fussed aboot yon wifie aff the TV news daein a rude gesture afore the programme stairted.

I dinna ‘hink there’s onything wrang wi’ somedee on TV daein ‘at – it maks em mair relatable. Especially in my part o’ toon. Fan ye live on my road, ‘at gesture is pretty much oor equivalent o’ a friendly wave. I like tae dae it fan there’s a big queue built up ahind me in Tescos.

Onywye, she wisnae daein it tae the viewers, but t’ gie her colleagues in the studio a laugh. And, considering they hiv tae spend a’ day ivery day spikken aboot depressing news stories, I think it’s the least they deserve.

Plus, I often find masel daen the same gesture fan the news is on.  Especially during ony polistical story involving fitever shiny-faced MP has been caught daein something shifty ‘is wik.

The latest een his been suspended for daein something he shouldna in the lobby, or mebe it wis for lobbin’ something.  I wiznae peying close attention, I wiz too busy sweering at ma TV.

I did the same at Boris fan he popped up like a dishevelled bad smell at the Covid inquiry, and then at Rishi an a’. Baith o’ em supposedly capable o’ running the country, files at the same time unable tae transfer their WhatsApp messages fan they got a new phone. Something onyb’dy wi’ a 10-year-aul kiddie could manage, niver mind a staff o’ spads.

I wiz hoarse fae shoutin’ “itchy chin!” at the pair o’ them.  It’s cathartic, but I need tae mind and nae eat Sugar Puffs files I’m daen it, as the TV screen is murder tae clean.

But these fowk in power nivver seem tae face the consequences o’ their actions, div they? As opposed tae us normal people.

My pal Big Sonya nivver kent aboot ‘at new rule fit come in ‘is wik aboot nae parking on the pavement in Aiberdeen and got fined £100 for leaving her motor up on the kerb ootside Primark. But it wisnae really fair, ‘cos she had nae choice. Ye canna be trailing a’ the wye tae the Trinity Centre car park fan yer trying tae mak a quick getaway wi’ 27 sets o’ Christmas jimjams, can ye?

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in hard early doors

The world of football has gone truly crazy this week. Never mind the Dandies turning over the Frankenfurters 2-0 on Thursday night – it’s a much more serious shadow that’s hanging over our bountiful game. And, fritteringly for this time of year, we is talking about Turkey.

Now, my regulatory readers will know I am not exactly a fan of referees, as my still unbeaten career tally of 38 red cards would ingest. And, given all the grief I gived them, I think it’s fair to say I wasn’t on their Christmas card list. In fact, if I turned up at the referees’ Christmas party, I’d have been very much persona au gratin!

But even I knew there was a line. I may have sworn at a whistler or two in my time, or squared up to them, or let their tyres down in the car park whilst the game was still going on after I’d been sent off for an innocent elbow to some boys chuckies. But I can honestly say, heart on hand, that I has never chinned a ref.

Aberdeen’s Ester Sokler celebrates after scoring to make it 2-0 between the Dons and Eintracht Frankfurt at Pittodrie. Image: Mark Scates/SNS Group

But this week the whole of football in Turkey was put into suspenders after the chairman of Turkish outfit MKE Ankaragucu decided to run onto the pitch and land one right on the ref’s coupon. I know things can seem strange in some other cultures – and this is a country that invented Turkish delight, a sweetie made out of dipping a bar of soap in chocolate – but that was a step too far over the top.

Then, just a couple of days later, the Premiership announce that, for the first time ever, a female ref is going to be in charge of Fulham v Burnley next weekend. Well, that stirred up quite the beehive of controversy, particularly amongst old pros what like to stick their oars in to whisk up ill-feeling. But old Kenny was not among them.

I is a Neapolitan man, and it’s clear that Rebecca Welch is imminently qualified for the job. During my playing career, I never had the chance to not be sexist about female refs, but I like to think that I would have treated them exactly the same as their male counterpoints: by roaring in their faces and getting my shots in when they wasn’t looking.

@FlyingPigNews