The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse, but I’m noo a big fan o’ Spectra. I ken it’s 10 year aul’, but I’d nivver heard o’ it until my kids says: “Spectra’s in toon.”
I wiz wondering fit wye Aiberdeen wis getting a visit fae the baddies fae James Bond (though I suppose if ye pit a piranha tank in the lobby, the auld John Lewis building wid mak a good villain’s lair), but then my kids telt me it’s nae ‘at; it’s a festival o’ lichts. Big eens, little eens, funny-shaped eens, and eens fit dunce aboot.
Weel, tae start wi’, I wizna ‘at keen. Fit’s so amazing aboot a load o’ lichts fit maks it worth trailing a’ the wye tae Schoolhill on a freezing caul February nicht? Ye could get the same effect by gan tae the lamps bittie o’ Homebase and standing ower close tae the bulbs.
But efter a while, I wiz persuaded that it wiz a good idea efter a’. It brings femilies intae the toon at a time fan it wid itherwise be deserted, in that crucial early evening windae atween “gaan hame for yer tea” and “gaan oot on the lash”.
They’ve even laid on free buses tae ging tae it, although ‘at disnae benefit me. I already get a free bus, thanks tae my strong facial resemblance tae my Great Untie Maisie, fa left me her bus pass fan she moved oot tae Magaluf wi’ her funcy mannie.
I wis pleased tae see massive crowds o’ folk wis at Spectra. And sae wis my pal big Sonya. She’s wis delighted by the prospect o’ Broad Street and the surrounding areas being packed full o’ thoosans o’ folk, a’ nae sure far they’re gaan, trying tae keep track o’ their kids, and wi’ nae choice but tae squeeze past her – making it a doddle tae lift their phones and wallets.
There’s some brilliant stuff at the festival, ye ken. There’s a laser beam show at Marischal College, hunners o’ glowing butterflies in the Art Gallery, and three massive light sculptures in Union Terrace Gairdens.
Mackie’s is even selling special “glow in the dark” ice cream. It’s made using natural ingredients, so even though it looks like something fae Sellafield, they say it’s perfectly safe. Though that’s fit they said aboot the Titanic, is it?
I wiz keen tae see the famous big licht up “Aiberdeen” sign, fit is yon big sign fit says “Aiberdeen”, so ye can take photos o’ it and show yer in Aiberdeen, as if the fact that ye’ve got yer big coat on and yer turning blue isnae enough o’ a clue.
But, surprisingly, they’re nae haein the big licht up Aiberdeen sign as part o’ the big licht up festival. Seeing it wis in Union Terrace Gairdens, far a’ the ither lichts is, presumably they needed the plug.
The hale experience his hid a big impact on my family. We’re a’ thinking aboot light, and fit it means tae us, in new wyes. My Jayden noo insists on gaan tae the lavvy in the pitch black. He wints tae see if yon ice cream still glows in the dark on the wye oot.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who is all muck and no nettles
With the appointment of our latest in-trim manager, Super Dave Cormack has brought a little bit of box office to Pittodrie! We knew he was going to pick a Neil, with Lennon and Alex in the frame, but the new temporal gaffer, Neil Warlock, is a real character.
He’s already given some brilliant interviews to the medium. He says he wants us to win the Scottish Cup and climb the table, which seems to be the opposite of what Barry Robson wanted. So, in Old Kenny’s book, he’s off to a good start.
My pal Dunter Duncan says to me, he says: “Warlock’s like a Marmite manager, isn’t he, Kenny?” But I says to him, I says: “I’m not so sure about that: some people seem to hate the lad, but I quite like him!”
I think he’s a breath freshener. And he may be 75 years old, but he has the energy and drive of someone twice his age.
Like most of the Red Army, I was expecting a couple of hidings from Celtic and The Rangers in our last two games. Fair play to the lads, who rolled their boots up, laced up their sleeves and showed us their concomitant.
We got a draw and narrow defeat against the Old Firm, and now we’ve got some winnable games on the horizontal, and a Scottish Cup tie against diddy team, Bonnyrigg Rose, which should be a cake-stand.
Let’s hope they don’t turn into a banana-split, and it’s the start of a winning spell for Warlock. That would be magic.