The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
J Fergus Lamont, arts critic and author of the new musical based on La Bohème about empty shopping centre units, Unaffordable Rent
Much excitement at the beginning of this week, when I heard whispers of the finishing touches being put to a long-gestated installation at the edge of the city. I could not resist attending the much-anticipated “grand opening” of a project so prolonged it has acquired a mythic quality.
You may not have heard of it, for it has received little or no publicity, but The Haudagain Roundabout Improvement may be the most groundbreaking public artwork I have ever experienced, and I include in that 1990’s coruscating Inverurie Bypass.
Given the name, with its mixture of demotic Scots, evocation of fairground rides, and the promise of change for the better, I imagined a north-east tribute to the 1960s children’s classic featuring, perhaps a Doric Ermintrude and a “toonser” Zebedee; something which, given the near £50 million cost of the enterprise, might even be on a par with Storybook Glen.
But, upon approaching the fabled roundabout, I could find no sign of the candy-coloured Arcadian idyll that I had envisaged. Indeed, there was little of note, aside from a structure emblazoned with the words “Taco Bell” – a reference I found obscure, for I could see no bell, although the premises were undoubtedly a little bit taco.
However, a rude mechanical I approached gestured towards a shining new stretch of road, and described it as a 16-year soap opera. Undoubtedly an impressive length of time for any such a production to run.
Peering towards the thoroughfare in question, I observed a woman in a hard hat and high visibility jacket cutting a ribbon, and declaiming something about reducing congestion. I find a packet of Tunes does the trick.
I then stood, mesmerised, as, before my eyes, what had once been a very large traffic jam was miraculously transformed into a smaller traffic jam. Then, famished by my experience, I visited “Taco Bell” and sampled their volcano burrito with Diablo sauce.
I wept.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I dinna hink I’ll be pittin in an offer for Stewartie Milne’s massive mansion. Noo, I likes a nosey at the funcy hooses on the ASPC as much as onyb’dy, but fan I seen a yon photies in the paper this wik, I didnae imagine masel relaxing in the sweeming pool or gliding doon the curvy staircase in a posh frock, I just seen masel trying tae clean yon massive marble fleers wi’ my Flash Swiffer.
The prospect o’ dizens of rooms a’ needing hoovering maks me cowk
Even if I hid a spare £7.5 million, I widnae wint the hassle o’ a 26-seater banqueting hall, a massive snooker room, or even a tiny wee library. It’s nae the price, it’s the dusting I’d object tae.
I hae mair than enough trouble trying tae keep a regular-sized hoose clean. Especially fan my three are charging aboot drapping their PE kit in the kitchen, flinging jam at the wa’s, and leaving pizza on the dog. And it’s worse fan my Jayden’s ACDC is playing up. So, the prospect o’ dizens of rooms a’ needing hoovering maks me cowk.
Apparently it’s the maist expensive residential hoose tae iver be pit on the mairket in Aberdeen, but I’m nae sure it’s gaan tae be easy tae shift it. I mean, is there really onyb’dy oot there wi’ £7.5 million tae spend fa wints tae bide in a secondhand new build fae Stewartie Milne?
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who always steps up to take one
They’ll be dancing in the streets of Eintracht tonight! I’m still recovering from the stress of watching the Europa League final on Wednesday. After 120 minutes and then penalties, I had chewed my fingernails down to the bone.
Unlimitedly, the Frankfurters triumphed 5-4 in the shoot-out, after they gubbed The Rangers 1-1 in normal time. In the end, big-name signing Aaron Ramsey let the side down with a duff penalty that even my granny could have saved, and she’s arithmetic.
Congratulations Frankfurt, 2021/22 Europa League champions! 👏🏆#UELfinal pic.twitter.com/ZiZUfkRUs3
— UEFA Europa League (@EuropaLeague) May 18, 2022
I’d love to tell you that I was rooting for The Rangers, but if I says that I would be being disincongruous. Try as I might, I just couldn’t find it in my heart to support them, so my motto for the night was: “Ich bin Eintracht Frankfurter”.
Joking aside, it was a tremendous achievement by The Rangers to reach a European final. And I do emphasise with the The Rangers fans who is left feeling dilapidated by the defeat.
We support different teams, but we has more in common than what we have what separates us. After all – that’s how Dons fans feel all the time.
- See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24
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