If you say ‘cycle path’, particularly in a thick Invershnecky accent, it sounds very similar to ‘psychopath’, writes Iain Maciver.
Did you hear about the Highland minister who fell off the wall at Urquhart Castle into Loch Ness? He couldn’t swim, but he didn’t call for help.
A passenger boat came by and the captain shouted: “Do you need help, Reverend Macdonald?” The minister calmly shouted: “No, my son. God will save me.”
A little later, another cruise boat came and a crewman said: “Oi, Rev. I will pull you aboard.” The minister declined again: “No, thank you, boy. God will save me.”
Sadly, a shimmering ladder from above did not materialise. The minister perished and ascended to Heaven – in the usual way. On arrival, the minister went after God and asked Her: “Look here, Lord, I prayed to you. Why didn’t you save me?” And God replied: “What? I heard your prayer, so I sent not one but two boats.”
She works in mysterious ways. Currently busy sorting out Scottish politics, She is checking whether our MSPs can be trusted enough to sort out their own little local difficulties, or whether they still need to be overseen by the big parliament in Westminster.
It’s really clever how She has done that. She is not called the Almighty for nothing. She waited until there was a leadership contest in one of the Scottish parties and then: bang.
There’s absolutely no point in letting MSPs run Scotland’s affairs if they’re just going to squabble about whether there’s a God, what’s Her name and whether MSPs can be trusted if they’re in intolerant sects who know nothing of people living real lives in Scotland today. Sadly, there are loads of these groups, all sticking to their own narrow interpretations of their own scriptures. I’m not sure about other belief systems, but what does the Bible say about mixing faith and politics?
I only really know a bit about the King James Version – and it’s very clear. In Romans 14:22, it says: “Hast thou faith? Have it to thyself before God.” So there. Have it to thyself. In other words, it’s private. Don’t share. Believe what you like, it is simply no one else’s business. The Bible says zip it.
So, every politician who says they wouldn’t vote a certain way because of their faith and that should be respected are going against the Bible. We needn’t respect you because you shouldn’t be going on about it. Got it? Good. Phew, I’m glad I got that sorted for everyone.
Follow the psychopath to Inverness
We all have faith in something – the sun rising each morning, that politicians will make a hash of things, and that road signs will keep us right. Except at the North Kessock Junction, near Inverness. A road sign stating: “Psychopath to Inverness” suddenly appeared last week. Why? What if I tell you it was close to a cycle path? Yeah, I can hear your brain ticking over.
What’s the betting that the instructions from trunk roads contractor Bear Scotland, or Highland Council, or someone, were taken over the phone? If you say “cycle path”, particularly in a thick Invershnecky accent, it sounds very similar to “psychopath”.
According to the newspaper that I saw the tale in, Bear Scotland denied all knowledge, calling it “a rogue installation”, but still apologised for the offence caused. I am not sure if Highland Council has yet found time to say anything about the error.
The only time that sign could be correct would be if an actual psychopath got on their Raleigh and rode down that cycle path. OK, I’m getting carried away now. Sorry.
And we will be sorry if we do not put requests in writing. Like that American fellow, Joe. When he learned that anyone could start a church, he used a snippet from the Bible for his one. He was soon sorry that he ordered office supplies over the phone. When his stationery arrived, the letterhead said: “That Nun Should Perish”.
Time to recycle recycling policy
Meanwhile, circular economy minister Lorna Slater is going round in circles because she has faith in recycling. Her perplexing bottle return scheme for recycling glass, even though we all already have glass recycling bins, is going to be inefficient and, therefore, unaffordable.
She’s not listening to the concerns of businesses. Her Liz Truss-like attitude means it will soon be abandoned. Whichever of the candidates becomes first minister, that project will be consigned to the dustbin of history.
Religious teaching starts young in Scotland. A primary teacher here on Lewis was talking religion to a six-year-old boy in her class. She asked him if he said his prayers when he went to bed.
He said: “No. I don’t have to. My mum thanks God for me.” The teacher asked: “Oh, so your mother says your prayers for you every night? What does she say?” The little boy replied: “Thank God he’s in bed already.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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