For some reason, there seems to be little happening here in Stornoway in readiness for the rare event that will be the coronation of King Charles on Saturday.
When I have asked what they will be doing to mark the day, everyone here has shrugged and looked pretty vacant. Maybe these laidback Hebrideans are just slow in developing royal fervour. Probably, by Friday, the bunting will be up on the lampposts and the cherry brandy will be ready for being cracked open. Or maybe not.
What about me? Well, if I can find a street party or even a get-together in someone’s kitchen, I am looking forward to a slice or two of quiche to wash down with yon red liquor that got His Majesty into such trouble 60 years ago on a school trip to Stornoway.
Otherwise, Mrs X and I will have to get our own ready-made quiche Lorraine in Tesco. Some people are having prosecco or champers, I see, but this is Stornoway and it has to be cherry brandy.
Heck, have you seen the price? Ableforth’s Cherry Brandy is now almost £37, and that is just 50cl, so that’s much less than a bottle of wine. Right, it has to be cherryade or nothing.
There’s a cost-of-living crisis on, remember? Oh, yeah, when I think about it, we will probably also dispense with the quiche and get crisps instead. We will be glued to the telly, though.
Mind you, Channel 4 and Channel 5 are putting on some irreverent and hilarious programmes taking the mickey out of the royals. Yeah, we’ll watch those instead. It’s going to be a great day in the history of our nation.
The highlights will be on the news anyway. We will just tell the loud monarchists down the road that it was “wonderful, dahling” when they ask how we enjoyed the corrie if we meet them later in Tesco as we return for more crisps and stuff. They will be in for more champers, I’m sure.
They are so pro-royal that they have given their three young sons royal names. They’re called Henry, George, and Charles – all names associated with a king. They probably didn’t like when I said that if they have another son, they should call him Burger.
If Stornoway is so special, why doesn’t Donald invest more in it?
Also not sitting through the corrie with a flute of fizz will be teetotaller Donald Trump, who has been back to Scotland this week. No great pomp and circumstance for the ex-pres at Aberdeen Airport this time, after he went to such lengths to take a wee break in the country he loves so much and calls very special.
Well, he needs to get away from the various legal cases which have been hindering his bid to stand again for the presidency next year. Ah, our Dòmhnall Iain.
Still, he named a golfing something in Aberdeen, the Macleod something – after his late, Lewis-born mum, Mary, so that was nice. The Dòmhnall has only ever been once to Tong, near Stornoway, his mother’s home area.
He called our island “very special” and was gone in a couple of hours. Whoosh. Why didn’t he build a golf course here? Something… Anything?
Aberdeen and Ayrshire get everything going. What do we get? A pat on the head and called “special”.
With some civil court cases and a possible criminal hearing coming up, who could blame him for having a break? He jumps into his own airliner and, within a few hours, he is here and ready to practise his swing at Menie.
It seems our Dòmhnall Iain is not going to hang around for the coronation, as he is off to take a swing at Ireland. Wouldn’t it be great to take a break any time you fancy it? I would just love a six-month holiday, but only twice a year.
We may still be short of ferries
Meanwhile, our relief ferry MV Alfred has headed to Ullapool and is now being tested to see if it fits all the west coast piers that it is likely to be called to in the next few months. There are fears it doesn’t. Oops, that will be it then. We may still be short of ferries.
This comes as its sister ship, the Pentalina, went aground on Orkney at the weekend for reasons which have not been fully explained yet.
Nor has it been fully explained to me why boxing fan Calum from the Lochs area of Lewis is going to be celebrating coronation day “the same as always”. That was what he told me when I asked.
So, I asked his better half and she said: “An ordinary Saturday for him is doing the hoovering in his boxing gloves.” She added: “You do know he calls himself Dyson Fury?”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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