The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who never lets rain stop play
We’ll be coming! We’ll be coming! We’ll be coming down the autobahn! It’s been an amazing week to be a Scotland fan, with a place at Euro 2024 looking nailed on for Stevie Clarke’s men. Mind you, our win against the Jordanaires at Hampden was something Old Kenny will never not forget!
I travelled down to Glasgow for the Georgia game with Basher Greig and Dunter Duncan, and when the heavens opened, it was a deluge of digital proportions. As Dunter so evidently put it, we was wetter than an otter’s pocket. When I seen thousands of Scotsmen, unsteady on their feet, wringing out their kilt hose, I knew what it must have been like at Culloden.
Now, Old Kenny has played on some dubby pitches in his time, but when this game kicked off it looked more like water polo than football. It was even worse than the time we stuck Morton at Cappielow, and one of my sliding tackles took out three of their back four in one swell hoof!
The Scots took an early lead before the ref says they had to stop so the groundsmen could try and make the pitch a bit less like a paddling pool.
One of football’s most isotonic images is of Steve McClaren in the rain, “the Wally with the Brolly”. But, on Tuesday, we got a new one: “the Weegie with the Squeegee”, as a squad of lads pushed water from one part of the pitch to another for an hour and 40 minutes.
The Georgia lads didn’t fancy it for a while but, eventually, they come back out so Scotland could score another and finish the job. It was well past our bedtimes when we finally left Hampden, but with 12 points in the bag, we was on cloud 99!
Speaking of things in the sky, I have to say I is not a fan of the new Dons away kit. It looks like a wee kid has gone nuts with their highlighter pens, but apparently it’s supposed to symbolify the Angora Brucellosis – or the Northern Lights, for those of us who don’t speak Spanish.
Like I say, it’s not Kenny’s cup of tea – but sales is through the roof. In fact, my Melody has bought two. One for match days, and another to wear to Zumba at the Garioch Sports Centre. Mental.
View From The Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been an ecclesiastical wik in the village. I wiz affa impressed tae see the news that a local lawyer mannie originally fae jist up the B9001 fae us in Inverkeithny has jist finished a 17-year-long effort translating the hale bible into Doric.
This news says unto me mony things. It says that incredible things can be achieved with patience and dedication, that dialects like Doric will live and prosper as long as there are those whose love and care for them is expressed in their deeds, and that there’s nae muckle happens of an evening in Inverkeithny.
But, fair play tae the mannie, Gordon Hay, for completing this epic endeavour, as obviously onything fit helps keep wir noble dialect alive and weel is to be commended.
I’m nae sure he’ll sell mony copies in the village, though. There’s damn few fowk here wi’ an interest in the bible, seeing as maist o’ us hinna yet got roon tae converting tae Christianity, and even fewer o’ us hiv got roon tae learning tae read.
Still, ‘at disnae pit a dampener on his monumental achievement and, if he’s up for it, I’m looking forward tae ither great works o’ literature getting the same treatment – a bittie o’ Doricisation wid be jist the ticket tae get me tae read the likes o’ Swithering Heights, Of Mice and Mennie, and, of course, War and Funcy Piece. Cheerio!
Ron Cluny, council spokesman
As a spin doctor for the local authority, today is a good day. A brave new dawn for the city, now we’ve finally filled all three of the pavilions at Union Terrace Gardens.
At last, the Burns Pavilion can kickstart the regeneration of the town centre, with its occupancy by SugarBird Wines – not to be confused with Thunderbird wine, which so many of us recall from our youth and, in some cases, our current Friday afternoons.
It’s a venue which will be as classy, bold and snazzy as our vision for the city. It’s local, it’s new, it’s customer-focused and, most importantly, it’s within staggering distance of Broad Street. So, on a fine day, those of us who toil selflessly on your behalf within the city council can hold all important meetings there, in an atmosphere energised and invigorated by creativity, ambition, and Sauvignon Blanc.
