The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Ron Cluny, official council spokesman
So, Johnson has gone! And hasn’t. The elation at his departure immediately tempered by the news that he will be staying on as a kind of Schrödinger’s prime minister.
Remember how you felt when you learned that Mark McGhee was no longer going to be Dons manager? Imagine that news had been followed by the unveiling of a shiny new caretaker manager, Mark McGhee.
The departure of major figures provides the spin doctors with an unparalleled opportunity to show them in the most favourable light, and to exit the stage with their reputation enhanced. Whether that works depends on if the subject is willing to read the speech as written. Obviously, Boris wasn’t.
Instead, we were treated to the most churlish departure since Charlie Churlson-Churl set of for Churlton in his churlmobile. “A’body’s oot of step but oor Boris” just about sums it up.
Before he went, there was still time for the petty act of sacking Michael Gove, presumably about a nanosecond before Gove got his resignation in. Although it’s doubtful Mickey the Rave will feel much upset at being labelled “a snake” by a man who has enough ex-wives and mistresses to populate the villa on Love Island.
But, if Johnson now occupies a murky and opaque leadership position, one thing is crystal clear: he is a weapons-grade pillock.
When, before his resignation, he peevishly said that he was “very fed up of people speaking for him”, because it seemed to continually get him into trouble, the third-rate Churchill tribute act fell away, and we saw him for what he is: an overblown schoolboy, unable to understand that life has moved beyond the stage where he can simply fib his way out of the headmaster’s office.
Say what you like about Boris – if his aim was to make politics interesting, he has been a great success
Truly, he was a trailblazer: the first Beano character ever to be elected as prime minister, and hopefully the last.
Johnson has at least provided a major shot in the arm to Britain’s hard-pressed retail sector, with popcorn sales skyrocketing as the nation watched the situation unfold; the ships leaving the sinking rat.
Say what you like about Boris – if his aim was to make politics interesting, he has been a great success. As tragicomic box sets go, this one has been a belter. But, please – no season two.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse, but I wiz shocked at the news o’ gangs o’ teenagers running amok in screenings o’ the new Minions film, and reports o’ some cinemas banning them cos of rowdy behaviour fit’s bin instimigated by some guff on TikTok.
Using the hashtag #gentleminions, these plooky wee nyaffs hiv been turning up tae cinemas in suits and ties, and creating merry hell. At’s nae asseptable, at, is it? If I winted tae be radged up by a bunch o’ braying adolescents in suits, I’d move tae St Andrews.
The influence of tiktok is insane, I've just seen what can only be described as an army of teenagers in suits come out of the cinema after watching Minions, because it was a tiktok trend.
Imagine if it could be harnessed to do something useful 😂
— Jerry 🔜 Develop Brighton (@JerryJohnstone0) July 1, 2022
Back in my day, teenagers dressed proper, in hoodies and trackie bottoms, and we had the decency tae mooch aboot in dark alleys at nicht, nae in bright cinemas videoing wirsels getting up folks noses.
Fit a decline in standards we’ve hid since them happy days, fan we used tae hing aboot the park wi’ a bottle o’ sambuca, happy slapping folk on the heid and shouting: “You’ve been Tangoed!”
And the worst o’ it is, innocent folk is being victimised an a’. My Jayden wiz asked tae leave the Vue on Shiprow, jist cos he wiz in a suit. Weel, ‘at’s nae fair ‘ at. He’s nae a hoodlum. He wiz only there killing time afore his appearance at the Sheriff Court.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the sports pundit who’s a backhand smash
Old Kenny has growed weary of the arguments, tantrums and in and out debates what’s been ruminating the news this week – but that’s Wimbledon for you.
That Nick Kyrgios lad has got some mouth on him! He’s not happy unless he’s giving the umpire grief or the line judge grief of the crowd grief or himself grief.
Chuck Norris is soon to be a tennis housebound name, since he landed his self a semi-final against Novax Choccybix
He’s done well though, the lad, and after Spanish civil warhorse Rafa Nadal hurt his albumen, Kyrgios has landed his self in the final with a few days off to psych himself up by doing something relaxing like watching Taxi Driver, stubbing his toe on the furniture, or trying to get his broadband connected.
One of the lads he could have faced in the final was the new British number one, Chuck Norris. He is soon to be a housebound name, since he landed his self a semi-final against Novax Choccybix.
Here’s hoping he can follow in Andy Murray’s footstools. They’ve already renamed Murray Mound “Norris Knoll” in his honour. Though it’s a pity there isn’t not no words meaning “hill” what start with N.
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