The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I hiv been transfixed this wik by the story of yon wee Japanese monkey fit escaped fae the Highland Wildlife Park near Kingussie. Having eence been there masel, I can relate, as it holds some unpleasant memories for me.
It’s a rare place, but fan I went there on a school trip I wis sat next tae Kevin Coutts on the bus, and he drank a twa litre bottle o’ Lilt on the wye there. Unfortunately, there wis nae lavvy stop efter Huntly, and peer Kevin peed his sel’ jist ootside Boat o’ Garten. I wis feart it wid seep intae my seat, so I spent the hale trip mair worried aboot ma kecks than macaques.
Onywye, this monkey wiz in the Wildlife Park and, clearly, wisnae really feeling it onymair. They say they think he did a shoot because he wiz feeling awkward, as it’s the breeding season fit is full o’ stress and violence. Ken how he feels.
Mony’s the nicht in Club Tropicana fan I hiv had tae fight the urge tae leg it oot the door masel’, efter twa knock-backs and a catfight in the ladies.
In fact, since Covid, I think a lot o’ us ken fit it’s like tae feel confined and need tae get oot. My pal big Sonya has daen that a lot, o’ course. Usually fae the window o’ a stockroom files the store detective wiz fetching the manager.
She disnae hae the agility o’ a monkey, though, so she’s a lot easier tae recapture than Honshu, fa led the zoo keepers, with their drones and their thermal imaging cameras, a merry dunce through the backies o’ the good folk o’ Kingussie.
I will say, though – Honshu the monkey wis quite stinking looking, wis he? Wi’ his lang, dour-looking, bright reed face. I thocht he looked a bittie like Laurence Fox efter losing yon defamation case.
Honshu wiz spotted a mere 300 metres fae his enclosure at the Wildlife Park, so it’s possible he wiz fed up wi’ life on the run and wis voluntarily heading back inside, far ye dinna hiv tae find yer ain food and they look after ye. Again, my pal Sonya can relate tae ‘at. She still gets a wistful look in her een fan she’s passing yon funcy new flats on Walker Road.
My twa wiz hoping the monkey wid come tae Aiberdeen, even though I telt them it wis a bit o’ a long shot, given it wiz over a hunner mile awa and the bus service is mince. They used it as an excuse tae leave a trail o’ Wotsits a’ the wye fae the kitchen, doon the gairden path and richt along i street.
I am relieved it didnae visit me, cos fa needs anither feral, non-hoose-trained creature climbing a’ o’er the furniture and getting footprints on the wa’?
We didnae attract ony monkeys, but we did hiv aboot six foxes winting in, alang wi’ twa bairnies fa must hiv escaped fae the nursery doon the road.
Happily, the monkey has noo been reunited wi’ the rest o’ his troop, efter emptying a’ the bird feeders in Kingussie. I am relieved it didnae visit me, cos fa needs anither feral, non-hoose-trained creature climbing a’ o’er the furniture and getting footprints on the wa’?
In fact, Honshu sounds a lot easier tae deal wi’ than my Jayden efter twa bottles o’ Prime. I’ll maybe see if the Wildlife Park’ll dae a swap.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who knows the score
Well, the axe has finally swunged on Barry Robson’s napper. After another poor performance against Dundee on Tuesday night, Super Davey Cormack decided it was time for Robbo to get his E45 and face the music on the wall.
To be fair to the lad, he must have seed it coming. He was getting more and more fidgety in his interviews. The team was struggling to get results and was playing like mince, so it was time for the club to wipe the slate clean, turn over a new leaf and reboot the hard drive.
But who will follow poor Bazza into the Pittodrie hot-tub? Some of the usual names has been bendied about, like Neil Warnock, Paul Lambert and Alex Neil.
I’m not sure who it will be, but with the last three managers all getting the dunt in January, I’ll be down the bookies, sticking a tenner on whoever it is lasting less than a year.
My Melody says to me, she says: “Sounds like they’re desperate down at Pittodrie. Maybe you should apply, Kenny?” She is a lovely lady, but she knows that my managementerial days is behind me, so there’s no chance I’ll throw my ring into the hat!
I’ll tell you, though, I do know who the club should bring in to steady the ship until a new gaffer has been insulated. The most successful interim manager the Dons has ever had – Barry Robson.