The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I see a lot of folks is getting very het up aboot this wik’s rise in National Insurance, but nae me. I dinna hae insurance on ma car, so I dinna see fit wye I hiv to insure the hale nation!
And, onwye, I seen that ye winna pay onythin if ye earn less than £12,570 eifter July, so I am absolutely safe enough. For me, “National Insurance” is simply the name on a reed and blue plastic card that ye canna use tae pay for onythin (and, believe me, I’ve tried).
However, if ye earn mair than £50 thoosand a year, ye’ll be paying oot almost £200 mair or, to pit it another wye, yer likely caffe latte budget for a month.
Fifty thoosand!? I hiv nivver seen ‘at much in my life – nae even yon time my pal Big Sonya stored a mattress stuffed wi cash in my spare room withoot telling me why. It wiz something tae dae wi a run on the banks. Or a run into the bank and oot again, I forget which.
So, onywye, the hale topic is jist anither thing a’ filled wi numbers and percentages I dinna understand. But fit I dae understand is that, fit wi energy prices rising and food costs rising and petrol costs rising and a war on and the climate a’ gan tae skite, it is even mair important for my twa little cherubs tae be at the top o their game fan it comes tae shoplifting. Cos it’s nae gan tae get ony better in September fan energy prices ging up again.
I’m telling my twa that they better get used tae the three oors fan we can afford tae hae the heating on during the April snow showers, cos fan it gets even mair caul in October, they’ll hiv tae stand around lookin at the kettle wi their big coats on.
Suddenly, I hiv a hale new appreciation of that fact that my Jayden likes tae set things on fire, as that is gan tae be an affa handy life skill tae hae as the year gings on.
Professor Hector Schlenk, senior researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science
As a scientist, I have this week been both fascinated and slightly horrified to learn that fellow scientists in Bristol have created a robot hand that feels and acts like human skin.
The system works by using a 3D-printed mesh of tiny bumps on the underside of the artificial skin, which mimics the dermal papillae in real skin, and allows the same sensations. This breakthrough could mean a whole new level of robotic dexterity for our future machines.
This is, in all senses of the word, a touchy subject and, as ever when advances in the world of robotics are made, I find myself with a mixed response.
I am both hugely excited by the scientific advances in artificial intelligence, whilst at the same time terrified that our future robotic overlords will now be able to hold their guns properly as they stomp over the subjugated human populace.
This is what comes from overthinking future developments in artificial intelligence. And also from watching the opening scene of Terminator whilst eating cheese last thing at night. Like the invention of robots that can grip things properly, it is probably inadvisable yet, at the same time, strangely inevitable!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who had more clubs than Tiger Woods
When I look back on my extinguished career, I am busting with pride to have played for so many great clubs. Kincorth Amateurs, Culter, Aberdeen, Brechin City and Inverurie Locos to name but a phew. Still, I always hud the greatest of respect for a “one-club man”, and could have been one myself if I had not got my jotters off every boss I worked with.
The Banchory Beckenbauer racked up 569 games for the Dandies, was part of the 2014 League Cup winning side and also managed to bag three Scotland caps
I had always expectorated Andy Considine to be a one-club man, but it looks as though he’ll soon be moving on. Consi and the Reds have stuck by each other through thin and thick.
He was a rock in defence in the dark days of Paterson and McGhee, whilst the club nursed him through broken bones, busted knees and also overlooked yon video where he danced around dressed like a lassie.
The Banchory Beckenbauer racked up 569 games for the Dandies, was part of the 2014 League Cup winning side and also managed to bag three Scotland caps. He even once bagged a hattrick – nae bad for a utility room defender.
Sadly, as we all wish Consi good luck in the next stage of his career (I’ve got £20 on Dundee United and £10 on Cove), we must address the unslavery side of the story. The Dons gaffer, Jimi Goodwin, told the press that he had found a leak the day after Consi’s departure hit the headlines.
What was he thinking? The fans don’t want to hear about the boss’s plumbing issues on a day like that!
